Back in March I took a risk. I put what I want out there, in my prayers, spoke it out loud to the universe, and posted it here on my blog. I was in a different place then. A place of disappointment, of heartbreak, of irreconcilable differences. But I put it out there anyway. And then, when I felt I was ready, I put myself out there too. Sheltering my fragile heart, fearing it would be broken again, but knowing that I am called to be a companion to someone, to be a wife. I put myself out there, and here is what I found.
I found that I can still love passionately, and found someone who loves me equally passionately. I found happiness, a real, whole, and complete happiness. I found understanding and an opportunity to understand in return. I found myself loved and not judged. I found an amazing male role model for my boys and the possibilities of a healthy marriage in the future for my daughter to be molded by. I found someone I can respect, and who respects me. I found someone who finds passion in his life. Someone who cherishes me. Someone who happily sits between two of my kids at Mass so that there is an adult separating all three. Someone who goes to Mass with me whenever I want to, even if its not a Sunday or Holy day of Obligation. Someone who will be my pillar of strength when I feel I haven't a shred of my own left. Someone who does make me laugh when I'm crying, and who can cool my hot anger with the slightest touch. Someone who has accepted my children with open arms, and loves the individuals they are. Someone who is open to life. Someone who is stable in his own life. Someone who can stand the life of a midwife (well this is yet to be tested LOL!). Someone with patience to match my own. Someone who thinks he can share me, happily, with the whole village of women, children, and families who I live and breathe to serve on a day to day basis. Someone who respects my dreams and ambitions for my future.
In March I wondered if that someone even existed. I wondered if it might just be too much to ask. But I knew that it was what I wanted, so I put it out there. And it's exactly what I found.
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Well here I am, nearly mid semester at FSTM. I am really enjoying myself (for the most part) in class, despite the fact that a lot of it is review for me. I enjoy the atmosphere I am surrounded by (mostly) while at school, and I have begun to even enjoy my overnights in Gainesville (it almost feels like a slumber party every week!)
I am dealing with other stuff outside of school, but I'd rather not talk about any of that today. I haven't been keeping up with my blog as much as I would like to, and I really hope to be able to change that here in the near future, as I get my new groove on.
My daughter has her First Reconciliation coming up next month, she is very excited and moving right along to have her First Communion next May! My big girl!! I also got her a new bed and desk (it is a loft bed) and a mattress that is just heavenly, I wish I could sleep on it every night!! I will likely buy my boys each the same mattress as well, I am very pleased with that purchase.
More big news....My boys have their own bedroom now!! For the first time since I threw my exhusband out, we are using two bedrooms!! My boys are in one room and my daughter and I are in another room!! This is really a huge, life changing thing for us!! I will be sleeping in a bed again soon, thanks to one of my good friends who is giving me a full bed!! Yay!!
Also in the news for me, I just had a birthday!! It was threatening to turn into a depressing weekend for me, but alas my BFF pulled through for me! He treated me to Ruby Tuesday's for dinner, and then we stayed up late watching movies and snuggling on the couch like we used to in high school!! oooh the memories LOL! My children also had a little party for me, it was very sweet, and my brother gave me an organically grown, whole, dried out loofah squash (he grew them himself) now I can make tons of loofahs for myself, and I have a zillion seeds to plant my own next spring!! yay!!
Also on the "news" front, I made another appointment with Tanya Kell (our homeopath) and she has prescribed my daughter and my youngest son constitutionals, I will be ordering those this week and hoping that they help with some issues (including Tori's sensitive stomach and Bobby's awful allergies!) I love our homeopath so much, she asked about me first and gave me another remedy for myself before even moving on to the kids (which was who the appointment was for!!) If you are in need of a homeopath, I recommend her highly!! She also does phone consults (not just in person) so even though she is in Nashville, you can have appointments with her if you aren't!! www.tanyakell.com
I am going up to TN/AL in a few weeks both to get the rest of my stuff from there and also to go to a little bit of the MANA conference, including (hopefully!) the ROAST of the farm midwives!! FUN!!
I am officially enrolled at Florida School of Traditional Midwifery as of TODAY!!!! That's right, you heard it here first folks, Misty has reached a *huge* (and I mean *HUGE*) milestone in her journey to becoming a midwife!! Nearly 4 years ago when I first decided to start this journey, going to a Florida school seemed so out of reach, and now here I am!!
So, you might be thinking to yourself, what classes does Misty get to take this semester? Here's the list of courses!!
Year 1, Term 1
Student Success Lab
Healthcare Skills I
Psychology for Midwives
Research Evaluation
HIV/AIDS
History of Midwifery
Anatomy and Physiology I
Anatomy and Physiology I Lab
Interpersonal Relationships and Communication Skills I
With my already 3 years of midwifery studies behind me, and recent college as well, this semester should be a breeze. My goal is to get straight A's (Like I've ever gotten anything OTHER than straight A's?)
I have my doula/CBE prerequisites classes this weekend in Ocala, and then I start school on the 30th of August! I can't believe it!! I am still sort of in awe of it all.
Registering children for public school in Florida is so much more complicated than it was in Tennessee. I have to fill out what seems like 30 papers for each child, and each paper seems to want the same information. To make matters worse, I needed a lease agreement and my drivers license changed over. Man what a pain. My goal is to have the children all registered by tomorrow. Here's hoping. I especially am fretting about registering them because Tommy should be skipping a grade this year. We shall see.
Organizing my Life
If you know me, you know that I cannot thrive in chaos. Right now my life is chaos. We are living in a limbo that is not quite Tennessee, not quite Florida, and will remain that way for at least another month. My father did not prepare his house for our arrival, and so the house here is in its own little state of chaos. Preparing to return to school myself is also chaotic, as I wonder how it will actually work out. I am taking it one baby step at a time. Organizing one little thing at a time. Everything will only get better from here.
My hope lives in my childrens eyes. It is given life by the smiles and giggles that surround my day. My hope lives within me, all around me. I find hope in the rain storms, in the waves at the beach, in the text messages from friends at just the right time. My hope lives on when nothing else seems to. It is a constant. A forever. My hope keeps my dreams alive.
Love
I used to think I could never have enough love to give to more than one child. And then I had a second child. It seems that with the more children you have, the more your love grows, and the more of it you have to give. Love multiplies with use, much like smiles are contagious. My life, and my children, and my work are all loves of my life. My love continues to grow as time and life go on.
Prayer
Prayer is such a gift. A direct connection to God. Prayer surrounds my day. Prayer is trusting God, and placing my life in His hands. It's admitting that it's bigger than me. That I don't know what to do, nor how to do it. It's letting Him take the problem or issue or challenge out of my hands and into His own. It's admission. It's submission. It's my secret weapon, tucked gently in my back pocket. There to help when faced with an overwhelming world of darkness, sadness, and hoplessness so thick it threatens to destroy the hope in my world like a black hole.
All things have a beginning and an end. Several things in my life right now are nearer the end than the beginning. My time in Tennessee/Alabama (at least, this time) is nearer the end than the beginning. My (and the kids!) summer is nearer the end than the beginning. My midwifery training is nearer the end than the beginning (though it might not seem so to some, as I have three more years to go, I still feel nearer the end than the beginning...I have learned so much already). Now that my oldest son has turned that magical age of 9 years old I am now nearer the end than the beginning of his childhood and my role as supervising parent for him. Yes he and I still have 8 years and 11 months where he is still the "child" and I am still supervising him...but I can't believe half of my work with him is almost over :(
This summer I accomplished some things that I wanted to. First, I took my children to meet their great-grandma McGovern and see New Jersey, where their grandpa McGovern is from. While there we spent a lot of time with their aunts, uncles, and cousins that they wouldn't have known otherwise. We also had a special treat....we went to see the statue of Liberty!! Well, we saw her from afar...but it was better than not at all!! My father in law says if we come up to New Jersey again to see family that perhaps we will try to spend the better part of a day and go into the Statue of Liberty. I know that *I* will love that, and I think my kiddos will too!!
We also came to Ohio to spend time with my grandparents and cousins here. This is always a special time for everyone and I am so glad that I was able to do it again this year for and with my children. Next year will probably be a little less likely as I will have school all summer, but we will see.
The move back to Florida is proving to be very stressful for me, and I am trying to spend the least amount of time as possible thinking about it. While we were in New Jersey it was hard for me *not* to think about Tom, and everything that has happened in my life the last 9 years, because his family (though all very apologetic - as if his behavior is somehow their fault...which it isn't) either brought it up frequently, or just reminded me of him by simply being around them. Tom definitely has some physical features in common with the McGovern side of his family.
We're leaving Ohio soon, and I have a feeling my stress level will decrease once I get settled into new routines in Florida. Once the kids are registered for school (and me too for that matter!) and we're settled into our temporary living space (until I find something else).
I am also spending some time looking for a part time job. I am hoping to pick something up that will help me pay bills while I am in school. I have a goal to get rid of the van by July of 2011, and would love to see that actually happen. I am thinking about maybe getting a station wagon style car instead. Something that is better on gas, has a lower car payment, and isn't going to break down on me (hopefully!) every 10000 miles like this P.O.S. van has.
This summer I have been trying to soak it all in with my children. As I don't anticipate having this much time off again for a very long time, reveling in the time that I do have has become my number one priority. Though I had grande plans of learning Spanish and relearning french this summer, I have done neither. Instead my summer has been filled with spending time with my best friend, helping care for my paternal grandparents, then driving to Ohio so that my children could have a fun and relaxing summer playing with all of their cousins and visiting with all of my family.
In a few days the children and I leave to drive to New Jersey, a state I have never been to, to visit my father-in-law as well as his mother and other family. My children have never met their Great-Grandma McGovern, and I think they are really looking forward to it. They will see their cousin Matt this trip too, which they are excited about. They are also excited about seeing their Grandpa McGovern, whom they haven't seen in over a year now.
After our weekend trip to NJ we will come back here to Ohio and spend a few more days with family here. Once we leave here we will head to the Carolina's where we'll stop over night and then head back to Florida. Wow, that's a lot of travel time!!
I know I haven't been blogging as much as I normally do, but I promise once we get into new routines in Florida, the blogs will follow!!
I told you all to expect my decision by Tuesday this week, and I am happy to announce that I have come to a decision!!!
And my decision is........................
That............................
We will be...................................
Moving back to Florida!! Yes you read that right, Misty is leaving the land where she's always wanted to be to come back to the land she never wanted to be in again so that she can go to one of the best midwifery schools in the nation. Worth it? I think so!
Last week a received my acceptance to Florida School of Traditional Midwifery by email! I was so excited that I jumped up and down for joy and giggled like a schoolgirl. It only took a few seconds for me to stop, and think to myself, now what the hell do I do?!?!?!
Moving back to Florida is such a huge decision. Even though I know that it is the right decision for my midwifery career, it is hard for me to figure out what is the right decision for my chldren. Well, within the next week or so you will know what my decision is, I am planning to decide and announce it by this time next week!
Have you ever wondered what possesses the worms to all wiggle out onto the sidewalk in the mornings before the sun is hot?
As a child I always had a possibly unhealthy fascination with the wet and wiggly things we call worms. I used to dig up handfuls of hard clay dirt in my grandparent's yard in hopes of catching at least one or two of the cool wiggly creatures. I'd look the earth worms over letting them slink around from one of my hands to the other. I would bemuse about how they eat dirt and poop dirt. I'd gross out other girls with them. I squealed with excitement if my grandfather mentioned going outside in the cool dark night armed with flash lights and emptied and washed mason jars in hopes of catching some nice and fat night crawlers for fishing with at shadow lake.
Walking around the block pushing an adorable 16 month old in a stroller and looking at all the dried and shriveled up earth worms on the side walk makes my heart weep a little. I weep for all the plants who could have benefited from the worms. I weep for the children who will never get to play with those already dead earth worms. It seems silly I know, but when watching news of the Gulf oil spill disaster on TV, or reading about it on the 'net or in newspapers, I am becoming more keenly aware of emotions I used to have as a child. The wonder of the amazing ecosystem. The importance that each thing plays in it, from the simplest amoeba to the most complex of animals. The way that the human race is single-handedly destroying this amazing system. The complete lack of respect many people have for the other living things on this planet. The total disconnectedness of humans as a whole.
It should not be all that surprising to many of you that I was quite a little environmentalist when I was a child. I collected styrofoam egg cartons in my closet as a way to protest their complete lack of biodegradableness in hopes that one day someone would start recycling them. Much to my parents happiness many years later they DID start offering a recycling service that took the evil styrofoam and I happily carted my 100+ egg cartons to the plant for recycling then. I did not eat meat for the sheer disgust at the way the animals were slaughtered. I did not believe in pulling "weeds" and would protest their killing until I turned blue in the face. I did not agree with using pesticides to get rid of unwanted things in our yard.
I spent *many* summers playing in the woods, squatting over moss covered ground, pretending I was in some prehistoric land, coming in only when the mosquitoes chased us in or our parents called us in. I spent more time in dirt covered jeans with holes in the knees than not. I loved the smell of the earth. The faint metallic smell, mixed with the smell of vegetation, mixed with the smell of sweaty little kids and the occasional smell of scat or animal urine. It's a primal smell. Even to this day if I work in the yard or something I am transported back to my childhood from the smells of the earth.
That smell, that primal smell of earth, is present at a birth too. Somehow the smell of blood and amniotic fluid and sweat and sometimes feces mix together and bring back those memories. And the strong desire overcomes me to be a midwife delivering babies in a red tent where we can give back our blood, and amniotic fluid, to the earth. Where our bare feet are still on dirt and ground; the dirt and ground that God made; instead of the wood or carpet floors that man made, another layer, another disconnect away from the earth. Away from where we're meant to be.
And all of these memories and thoughts occurred to me because of the Massacre of the Worms. The sidewalk is such a cruel place for a worm. It comes out when the sun isn't quite up and the ground is still damp with dew. It somehow wiggles itself onto the sidewalk and becomes lost. This does not feel like any dirt it's ever been in! It can't burrow into it, it can't find grass or plants on it, whatever does it do? It struggles to find a place to burrow and in the mean time the sun creeps higher and higher and the sidewalk gets hotter and hotter. I image the worm thinking, probably very quickly, man I am thirsty!! I need some nice wet dirt!! but all it finds is cruel, rough, hot, hard, sidewalk. And then it gives up it's struggle, and it dies. Right there. Right on the sidewalk.
So as I walk, pushing the adorable 16 month old in a stroller, I stop whenever I see a worm still inching it's way across the sidewalk. I pick it up with hints of the childhood fascination within me once again, and gently set it back in the grass. In this one small gesture I have managed to save one worm. That is one less worm to fall victim to the sidewalk. One less that dies because of human invention.
I pass many other worms who were not so fortunate. And I secretly weep for them, For they had a life full of purpose. They are tasked with the important job of helping to fertilize and aerate the soil. To help the plants grow. To be the food for birds and other small animals. But instead, all of these victims of the Massacre of the Worms end up having no more purpose to their life, nor to their death. They will not be eaten by small animals, for dried up worms are not appetizing at all! They will no longer be able to aerate soil or help fertilize the earth. Now they are just toast. And it's all because of human invention.
In only eighteen more days I will have my children back from their summer with their father. I think we will spend the weekend at the beach and kelly park before leaving for Ohio. I am kinda excited to get out of Florida again for a while....I have been here too long and am antsy to leave. I don't know how it is that I will stand living here again to go to FSTM.......I guess we shall see.
In the mean time I am still looking for what is the right thing for me to do in the fall...I wish the answers were more clear to me. Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T
I told a friend and midwife mentor that I was going to use this time over the summer to pray, and focus, and decide where it is my future is taking me. I have been doing a lot of praying, and a lot of contemplating, and still have yet to come up with an answer to my questions. A once good friend told me that when making difficult decisions sometimes it is best to just throw all logic out the window and have faith in God's bigger plan for us. I used to have no problems following this advice - when it was just me. Now my decisions, however, are bigger than just me. The happiness and futures of three other amazing people have been trusted to me to help grow, and develop, and turn into amazing adults from the amazing children that they already are. When other people's fates are also in your hands, especially people whom you love with a primal, unexplainable completeness, decisions become harder to make. And, it seems, I find it harder to only trust in Faith alone.
The single hardest thing I have ever had to do since entering into this amazing role of "mother" is to make dcisions for my children. Even the most mundane seeming decision can turn into a stressful situation. I toil over what pediatrician/dentist/etc to use. I toil over how to raise them religiously. I toil over what school to put them in. I toil over whether to homeschool or not. I toil over how staying with their father would affect them. I toiled over how leaving their father would affect them. Vaccinations. Circumcision (or the lack of). Parenting styles. Cribs or no cribs. Disposable diapers or cloth? Wool or PUL? Work or Stay home? Finish a college degree or wait until they are grown? Follow my dreams? This becomes ever more trying as a single mother because now there is no more joint decision making. Now I am solely responsible. I am solely accountable for the raising of these little beings I call my children.
I realized while doing all of this praying and meditating this summer, that it is all like one sweet summer song. The life that I draw, that I create, that I write about. The life that I choose to make for my children. This is not the ideal life that I pictured myself and my children in 9 years ago when first starting my family. I believe that children need *two* parents. God chose to make it so that we cannot procreate without both sexes and both people are valuable in the upbringing. However, not everyone takes their commitment seriously, and I could no longer keep my marriage than a womb can keep a child past its time. After my marriage was over I was hurt and depressed and longing for something that once was. I denied to everyone, even to my self, that I ever loved my ex husband. I was so full of disgust for him at that point. But it isn't true. I did love him, very much. And he took advantage of me. And he lied to me. And now I am dealing with the consequences of his actions and inactions by raising three amazing children without him.
But I will not let it discourage me. And I will not get stuck in old patterns once again. I am a strong woman, with a strong desire to do what is right by my children, and so I believe that I will be given enough wisdom to know what is right and what is wrong for them. After all, they are my children, who were knit together in my womb. Whom I loved before they were even there. Whom I loved since my very beginnings. I no longer remember a time when I did not have love for them, when they were not a part of my life.
The wind whispered to me one day, and showed me a glimpse of my daughter years from now. Having married a man just like her father, and sitting alone one night, her own children in bed, crying silently by a fire. The vision weighed on my heart so heavily that I knew at that very moment I had to change things. For her. And for my boys, so they would not grow up to be men just like their father. And so we left.
Now I am left with another major decision. I have to decide how much I am willing to take away from my children, in order to give them a better life in the future. Am I willing to take away the beautiful house, the 1 acre of land, the horses next door, the peace of mind that allows me to have the children play in the neighborhood until the street light (there is only one!) comes on without worrying about strangers lifting them and taking them away? Am I willing to take away the small town, the life I've been working on building for them the last year, the friends they've made, the moderate climate, the occasional snow? Am I willing to move away from the one place I've longed to live for so long (a selfish question, I know)? Am I willing to bring them closer to their father, closer to the very influence I wanted to get them away from?
What are the good things we get in exchange you might ask? Three years from now (about) I would earn a license to practice midwifery in Florida. A climate for midwifery that will hopefully still be more positive than it is in Alabama. I would be able to earn more of a living in Florida than I ever could operating in Tennessee or Alabama (where it is still a class 3 misdemeanor). I could, perhaps, get the children and I out on our own. No longer have to rely on family for a roof over our head or water for our baths. That, ultimately, is my goal. Can I reach that goal successfully in Tennessee? Probably. If I gave up midwifery. Can I give up midwifery? No.
So, this is the decision that I must toil over this summer. And really, a decision can't be made at all until I hear back from FSTM one way or the other, which I have not yet. In the mean time, I will continue to listen to the whispers in the wind.
I've been having a hard time with a few things the last few weeks. I'm worried about the three women left at the clinic whom I am/was bonded to and my thoughts are on them quite often I have found. I am hoping that they have the amazing, peaceful, beautiful births that they are so hoping for. I have been having a hard time "letting go" of my ties to the clinic, to the women who are there still, and to the love, time and energy that I put into helping build the clinic. There is a fundamental sense of betrayal that I have been dealing with.
I've found myself working through things in my life again, trying to determine how it is I always end up back in these destructive, abusive relationships. I have a very strong desire NOT to end up in a relationship like that again (both personally and professionally) and I am finding myself almost wanting to pull away from everyone and everything to avoid ending up once again in a damaging situation. I have, over the course of the last 2-3 months, activated every self-preservation and self-help mechanism that I know. I'm tired. I just want a break from it.
The children and I leave for Florida this Thursday. I have been busy cleaning and packing and trying to get everything prepared for me to be out of this house all summer. I am going to try to have a good summer. Relaxing. Taking care of myself. and having fun. Fun. I vaguely remember how to have fun. I think.
Oh. My. God!! Saturday night I started getting chills, and a fever, then sweating and chills. By Sunday morning I was running a 104 fever I hurt all over, my head felt like it was going to explode and like it weighed a ton, and I was nauseous. By half way through the day I was puking as well. I only got off the couch to pee or puke (or both, tried to make it both to be economical). The rest of the time I slept. and slept. and slept. Ditto for Monday. By Tuesday I was feeling a little better (no fever), and I was home alone (my uncle left for Florida, and my mother never returned from Florida after going in March). My "new" friend Cindy drove me and Bobby up to his school so I could drop him off, and then dragged me off to her house so she could wait on me all day. She did a splendid job of it too! She took me to pick Bobby up from school that afternoon and took us back home, and by then I was running a fever again. Tuesday night I was miserable again, but never had a fever as high again (stayed around 101-102).
Today I woke up feeling "all right". Not Splendid by any means! but definitely better. No fever, no body aches, no vomiting or anything. Now I am thinking most of my symptoms (headache, swimming feeling when I get up, nausea, weak) are related to not eating in four days. Yup, that's right. FOUR DAYS of a clear liquid diet. Those of you who know me in person know I cannot afford to go four days without food!! yuck!! Now to get my strength back up, clean this disgusting mess from being sick (the house seemed to fall apart while I was sick) deal with a double whammy birthday party this weekend, and drive down to Florida next week! YAY! (or oh man I have to do all of THAT? where will I find the energy?!?!?!?!)
**ALERT** Illinois Pushers: Your help is needed TODAY! Vote could happen tonight, call even after hours, please! (click on the discussion tab for full details)
EVERYONE PLEASE CALL YOUR LEGISLATOR! Ask them to “vote YES for SB3712 which has been amended with the Home Birth Safety Act (HB226) language.” www.igla.gov
It's always good to make new friends. I would say that over the course of the last two weeks, I have made more new friends than I ever could have dreamed. What I am learning is that I have had these friends without realizing it for the last nine months. They have been thinking about me, worrying about me, and trying to figure out when to make their presence known to me for quite a while now. Sometimes it is just nice to know that people - even practically complete strangers - care enough to think about you. Even though we have a common bond, it still is meaningful to me.
So now I have these new friends, whom I didn't even know that I have. And I have, as a result, begun to "put my toe in the water" in the Alabama birth community a bit more now than I have since I moved here. I'm deciding that I really rather like it here, despite it all, and that even if I leave for Florida to go to school, I will probably be back some day. After all, Alabama has been in my heart for a *long* time.
It is also good to know that I am not crazy. If someone thinks the whole world is crazy..chances are more likely that it is that single person and not the whole world. I have never really been in a situation where I was defamed and slandered on a professional level and I do have to say, it isn't fun! I will say, though, that I am not surprised that I have been. If there is one thing I know after being submerged in midwifery for so long, it is that some midwives can be really nasty, vindictive, and awful to other midwives. I have a theory that some women, no matter the organization, can be like this to each other.
Even though the person who is slandering me professionally believes (and doesn't hesitate to tell people!) that I will in return "lash out" against and slander her both privately and publicly, I absolutely will not. I am a better person than that, and have not a single reason to do so. Her true colors come out to people all on their own. Many people before me saw them, and many people after me will too. And some people who were there while I was there have already seen them. She doesn't need my help exposing them.
I will though, encourage each and every one of you when looking for a midwife to consider finding a practitioner who has written protocols; who has informed consent documents; who has a *proven* track record of happy clients within the local birthing community; who has a reasonable transfer rate; who can keep assistants, apprentices, students, and employees longer than 6-9 months; who runs a clean, healthy, successful business; Who uses sterile technique and has infection control protocols; who has another midwife there to back her up. Find out how many of her clients are *repeat* clients. If the number is low, there is probably good reason.
And, to my fellow students out there, learn from my mistakes. Put your "Toe in the water" as one of my new friends says, before jumping all in with a potential preceptor. Guard yourself, and make sure it is a situation you are sure you want to be in before you get into it. If you are afraid to ask questions or speak up, it is probably not a healthy preceptor/apprentice relationship. If you speak up anyway and get stomped all over it is *definitely* not a healthy preceptor/apprentice relationship. Make sure that your preceptor is competent enough to teach you before you rely on her. I know this might seem like a hard thing to figure out, but you will know. If your gut starts telling you something just isn't fitting right in the picture, listen to it. CONTACT HER FORMER APPRENTICES to find out what they thought, and how their relationship with her went. Don't just take her side of the story. MOST importantly, IMO, if you are moving into an area where you are *not* familiar with the local birthing community, submerge yourself in the local birth and natural parenting community FIRST and see what the feelings are as a whole of the particular midwife. If more people dislike vs. like her, you might not want to work with her. Remember, every midwife is going to have someone who doesn't like her, I am speaking more along the lines of *most* people not liking their experiences with her.
so anyway, there are my words of wisdom for the day. I hope someone learns from them.
So the kids and I leave in only 19 days for Florida. I am spending the remainder of these days getting ready for the trip and packing in such a way that I can bring down the maximum amount of stuff possible during this trip. I hope to bring their bikes down now that all three are riding on two wheels, so that they can bike ride at their grandpa's house (he always ends up watching them for my ex-husband, often).
I have been anxiously awaiting my letter from FSTM. Though they did tell us that it could take as long as mid June to get a letter from them, I keep praying for more on the earlier than later side of things. I am on pins and needles and sort of in limbo until this decision is known to me, and I hate it when my life is left hanging like this, dependent on other people's decisions. I have instituted a plan B in case I am not accepted, but lets hope I don't have to go there.
Lisa from MTB asked me to come to South Carolina for the next skills weekend that she will be hostessing so that I can teach students there how to use moodle, and so that I can help Lisa learn moodle in preparation for turning it all over to her before I start FSTM. I am hoping to make it to the skills weekend, though I am currently seeking anyone who might want to car pool there with me to help me save on gas money. I am strapped for cash right now until my prerequisites for FSTM have been met.
In the mean time, I have just been cleaning and packing, and making new friends (what's that about? I am about to leave the area but yet keep making new friends as I go along!! I am beginning to see the sisterhood of midwives in Huntsville that I was carefully guarded from while I've been here...and I am deciding they are pretty amazing women.)
I am also faced with a difficult decision regarding my oldest son for next year if we move back to Florida. I realize he is way ahead of his classmates in Tennessee and that Florida public schools are even more behind than Tennessee public schools are. Soooooo....now I am faced with pushing to have him accelerated into 5th grade. I know that I could win my case about it, but I wonder if it is the right decision to make. Here in TN they wanted to accelerate him this year but I would not let them...however I am second guessing that decision now. I am going to buy him a Big Fourth Grade Book for the summer time and see how he does. If he flies through it, I will ask that they accelerate him, since he cannot attend Good Shepherd Catholic School until he's been in a Florida public school for a year.
so, you are pregnant! Congratulations! You either have already chosen, or are currently looking for a care provider for your pregnancy. Even if you have already chosen one, you should look through this list and ask your care provider the appropriate questions to be sure that you will receive high quality care with them.
PROTOCOLS
A competent care provider will have written protocols for everything from infection control to emergency transport protocols. These protocols should be in writing. Do not just take your provider's word for it, and don't just take verbal protocols. See them in writing. This is important.
INFORMED CONSENT
As can be found in the Midwives Model of Care brochure "Full information about any recommended tests, procedures or treatments so you can make informed choices about your care." Informed consent is an integral part of competent midwifery care. If your care provider is providing you with thorough, written or printed information on everything pregnancy, birth and post partum related, from the vitamin K shot, antibiotics, group B strep, to circumcision, breastfeeding, and everything in between and then asking you to sign consent (or decline) paperwork, than she is following the midwives model of care. If she has no paperwork, and only her advice by mouth, and nothing for you to sign, you might want to reconsider using her as a provider.
INFECTION CONTROL PROTOCOLS
INFECTION CONTROL INFECTION CONTROL INFECTION CONTROL!! This is so important I cannot stress it enough!! If your midwife tells you "birth isn't sterile" you might want to reconsider using her!! If she does not sterilize her instruments then your risk of developing potentially life threatening post partum infections is greatly increased!! If she does not use germicide and antiseptic cleaners on everything touched in the birth room after every birth, then you are potentially being exposed to any of the germs that the woman before you left there. There can still be infection where there isn't visible blood! Not sure if she is sterilizing her instruments? There are only a few known ways to sterilize. you can boil them (and use them *right* away..it doesn't count if you boil them days before) you can oven sterilize them (in which case they would be in oven safe packets that are usually wrapped in paper, maybe flannel packs, but certainly not something like a plastic pencil case or anything else that would melt in the oven. The instruments should go in wrapped, and come out wrapped, and not be opened until the moment they will be used) and there is the pressure cooker/autoclave method, which again they should go in wrapped and come out wrapped and not be opened until the moment they are used. IF the provider is not following infection control protocols including sterilizing her instruments, please consider finding a safer place and or provider to use for your birth.
GET INVOLVED
Get involved in your local birthing community before you have your baby. Hear all of the birth stories and recommendations of the local community around you. Take into account that *every* midwife is going to have at least a few people who were unhappy in their birth...no one is perfect! However, if the majority of the stories are telling you to steer clear, then by all means, steer clear! Find out what percentage of clients will (or have) been repeat clients. Try to talk with many of the provider's former clients to get a well rounded, balanced view of it.
HIRE A DOULA
If the provider is telling you not to hire a doula, or telling you you don't need one, I would highly question this. It may just be that the provider does not want to deal with having another witness, someone who is not emotionally vested in the situation as much as the family is, who may stand up to her if she tries using interventions that may not be necessary. Hire a doula, even if she tells you not to, in fact hire a doula ESPECIALLY if she tells you not to!!
NUMBERS
Find out her numbers. How many end in transport? Why are they transported? How many end up in C-Section? How many are induced (artificially or with herbal remedies, castor oil, etc?)? If she induces 2 out of 3 clients with herbal remedies, you might consider that she may be impatient and might "rush" your labor along. If she has a very large transport rate for first time moms, and you are a first time mom, you might want to consider finding another care provider. If she has a very high transport rate for "failure to progress" (as in, if 33% of her clients are transported for failure to progress....) then assume it really means failure to wait, and you might want to find a new provider. You know how they say the proof is in the pudding? Well I am saying the truth is in the numbers!!
I hope this has helped you while trying to choose a care provider. If you have any suggestions on other things to consider when choosing a care provider, please feel free to list them as comments here!!
So I had a friend ask me today if I thought midwives were better than obstetricians. I replied with the following long winded answer:
obstetricians are absolutely needed in a few pregnancies and births and I am thankful they are available. However they are specialists and surgeons and best used in that way It is like sending everyone with a headache to a neurologist. A neurologist is absolutely needed in a few cases, however, sending them to a family practice doctor first to weed out the other causes for the headache first makes sense. Midwives should be the first providers for a pregnancy and if the pregnancy falls outside of the realm of normal, then the midwife would refer them to an OB and if it is outside the scope of an OB, they would send them to a perinatologist. it's' the way medicine works, when it works right at least.
I do not believe that either profession is better than the other, just that one profession is being overused in a situation that is not appropriate for it (normal pregnancy, labor and delivery). As Dr. House said if you put a patient with fainting spells in front of a panel of specialists the neurologist will see a brain tumor, the allergist will see a food allergy, the endocrinologist will see a thyroid issue, the gastroenterologist will see celiac's disease, and the cardiac specialist will see blood pressure issues. But if you send that same person to a Family practice doctor then s/he will discover the patient simply isn't sleeping enough at night!! Each of those specialists would have ordered an barrage of tests that were not at all needed, and those tests would have shown a few questionable results that would have lead to more tests and possibly extremely invasive procedures such as surgeries! Or at least, something like that, you get the idea (not sure how Dr. House put it LOL! I was probably too busy drooling over Hugh Laurie to notice exactly what he said..... :P~). Midwives are the guardians of normal, and should be used as such. Obstetricians are surgeons, and should also be used as such.
So there is my take on the obstetrician vs. midwife question!
My children have been blessed. They are blessed with oodles of grandparents who love them. They have both of my parents in their life, as well as my ex-husband's father. Though my ex-husband's mother is still living, she cannot be bothered with getting to know my children, and they do not even know that she exists. I know that is sad, and I used to stress about it, but I cannot spend my time stressing about it, it is her loss, and maybe not my children's loss.
They are also blessed to have both my maternal and my paternal grandparents in their lives. Though my ex-husband's maternal grandmother is still alive, again she cannot be bothered with getting to know my children and thus they do not know she exists. I am excitedly trying to plan a trip to New Jersey this summer with my children so that they will meet my father-in-law's mother, who is also still alive.
I believe that family bonds are important, and my children are so blessed to have so many grandparents. However I also recognize that my grandparents (and my father-in-law's mother) are getting quite old. I worry about how much time they have left to spend with my children. Right now both my paternal grandfather in Florida and my maternal grandfather in Ohio are sick, and one is having surgery next week. They aren't getting any younger....and I am saddened at the thought that my children will experience death and dying and grief at a much younger age than I did (as I haven't really experienced it with someone I am very close to yet!). I am not even sure how to help my children deal with grief and death and dying, as I have no experience with it.
But even as my grandparent's time draws nearer, my children are still blessed, and loved.
as of midnight tonight many midwives will no longer be able to practice legally in NYC due to losing their written practice agreement!!! Please take action today!!
I am offering low cost doula services (both intra and post partum) right now. If you are due in the month of May and live in South Central Tennessee or North Alabama and are interested at having a doula at your birth, please feel free to email me at mistymm77@gmail.com
I will start offering low cost doula services (both intra and post partum) in CENTRAL FLORIDA starting in JUNE of 2010! If you are due in the month of June or after and live in Central Florida, feel free to email me as well!!
Feel free to visit my website at http://wholevillage.homestead.com/index.html it is still under construction and will have some changes randomly, so check back often!
Well, it seems, my summer is suddenly packed. I had thought about trying to go out west to the grand canyon (simply because I've never been there) but it appears that that is not going to be able to happen. Then I thought about getting a summer job, but it looks like that might not be able to happen either. I may try to pick up a few doula clients over the summer when I am in one place at least LOL!
So, this is how the next few months look for me:
MAY
May is probably going to my busiest of all months it seems. I do hope to pick up a few doula clients during the month of May but if I don't, no big deal. May 2nd is the last day of religious education for my kids. May 15th is my brother's birthday, but will be my T1 and T2's birthday party (combined) as they will leave for their daddy's soon after that. May 19th is Bobby's last day of school and May 21st we all leave for Florida. We'll arrive on the night of May 21st, and on May 22nd I will have another birthday party for T1 and T2 with family and friends in Florida. On May 23rd the kids will go to their father's. I hope I hear from FSTM before then. Finger's crossed.
JUNE
June I will be in Florida for much of the time, hanging out with friends and maybe taking on some doula clients if I can find them due that month. I will be going to Gainesville for their CBE course in June (required as a prerequisite for admission).
JULY
July will be a bit busier for me. I pick up the kids from their dad on July 2nd and then drive up to Ohio to spend some time with my family. We'll probably be up there for a few weeks. During that time I should get my Doula workshop (also required as a prerequisite for admission) out of the way. Once we leave Ohio I will probably be coming back to Tennessee for a little while, but really what happens then depends on if I am accepted to FSTM.
was that dramatic enough for you? What do you mean no?!?!?! Well, what do you expect from someone who leads a virtually drama free life?? It's the best I can do, you'll have to get over it. LOL!!
So interview day eh? I got up nice and early and left Jimmy's house before he was even *awake*! I drove to Kelly's to pick up Jenn and Kelly and we got on the road to go to Gainesville. Now, this seems like it shouldn't be that big of a deal, but really it was a *long* drive! It's only two hours and a little, like the drive to Sarasota was when I was apprenticing there, but yet somehow it seemed like such a long drive.
We got there early, of course. That is life with Misty girls, you better get used to it! Seriously, living with a man who was the least punctual person ever has made me a little bit OCD about punctuality. If I am *on time* I feel late. I have to be a bit early. So, we were the first potential students to arrive.
We went in, put our lunch away (compliments of Kelly, who packed us all spaghetti). We talked briefly with Glenn as she was setting up for the interview day, and she let us know there was going to be a man there who wants to learn midwifery to go back to his country (Haiti) and teach other midwives. Seems noble, and I think he and I will get along just fine.
Kaitlyn was a little late to the interview day, she wasn't feeling well and that was obvious when she got there. Glenn talked to us for a bit, and then we split off to be interviewed by each of three people, the Business Director, the Academic Director, and then Heart, the I guess Dean of the school (I forgot her official title).
My interview with the Financial Director went great, she let me know that I would have plenty of financial aid, and how much I would get extra, which, it turns out, is enough. YAY! That was one big stress that I don't have to worry about now!
My interview with the Academic Director I also think went really well. She and I seem to have a few quirks the same, and have some opinions and other things in common about midwifery education. I really like her, and I hope she also really liked me. I got nothing but good vibes from her so I hope that is a positive thing!
My interview with Heart was awesome. She made a comment about how I smile every time I mention my divorce, and I, flustered at first because of how much negativity I got from Linda about my divorce, started to explain that my divorce was like my own personal liberation from an oppressive, abusive marriage. She totally got me, and I also only got positive vibes off of her. She hugged me on my way out the door and whispered in my ear that she'd see me soon.
There were six total potential students at the interview day. One other coming from Orlando area (other than the three of us), the man. I have a good feeling he will get in to the school, and maybe we can all car pool together then. That would help split the cost of gas at least.
After the individual interviews we had lunch together and got to know each other, and then we had group interviews with the clinical director and the senior student representative. I didn't really pick up on any vibes during these, maybe because they were not individualized.
They said it may be as late as MID JUNE before we hear anything!! I am walking on pins and needles now until I receive my acceptance letter!!
Sorry, I know, it's been a while since I posted. I have been neglecting my blog, as well as my journal, over the last few weeks. I have just had so much stuff going on. So let's start with my first day back after the conference:
Day one back, Tuesday.
On this day I slept the entire day pretty much. I was apparently very tired. I did not get very good sleep at all while at the conference, mostly due to my sleep space. I am a bit of an insomniac anyway (have been since leaving my husband) but am generally really sensitive about my sleep space, partly due, I am sure, to some abuse issues in my past as well. Andrea and I shared a room with Linda, and that turned out to be problematic. Linda seems to have an aura of negativity surrounding her which made it very hard to sleep near her for me. Also she gets up at insane times in the morning which doesn't help either. Andrea and I *both* were quite pissy by the end of the trip. Linda called me at the end of the day on Tuesday but I ignored the call.
Day two back, Wednesday.
On this day I found out that Andy got engaged the day after he broke up with me. That was sweet. Really. At least I know his true colors now, vs later. I was dealing with this news which left me in an emotional mess when Linda called and said she needed to see me. I drove to the clinic and she gave me a letter, two pages, in a sealed envelope, that basically stated how much she thought I sucked and how she could no longer keep me as an apprentice. Even though I *knew* that pretty much everything in that letter was some messed up version of the truth and that it is not true that I suck and that I will suck as a midwife, it still really bothered me. I had to work through the letter with several friends before really feeling better about the whole thing. This process took several days.
Day three back, Thursday.
On this day I left to go down to Florida. I met fellow MTB student Jenn in Atlanta and picked her up to car pool with me down to Florida. It was actually a really fun trip, it was nice to share the trip with someone else instead of making the long trip alone. We got to know each other quite well on the way down and decided that we really got along great! I dropped her off at Kelly's house that night and then headed to Jimmy's to stay with him (where I prefer staying).
Day one in Florida, Friday.
On this day Kelly and Jenn and I drove around looking for apartments for Jenn and her family. We did that only part of the day and then I left them to go take care of some of my own stuff locally. Friday night we went to my friend V's birthday party and had a blast, we were there until four in the morning!!
Day two in Florida, Saturday.
I spent a good bit of day two asleep, I was exhausted. There isn't much exciting to report about this day.
Day three in Florida, Sunday.
I went to Mass on Sunday. I was planning a beach trip but couldn't make it. Otherwise, again, not much exciting to report about this day.
Day four in Florida, Monday.
Interview day!!! Read the next post to hear all about the interview!
Day five in Florida, Tuesday.
Jenn and I went back to the apartment complex so she could put in an application, however they rose their rates over the weekend so she opted to wait and see if they get a new special first. Then we headed home. There was no bad weather until I dropped Jenn at her car (which was in a parking garage in one of the *FINEST* parts of Atlanta! LOL!) and we parted ways. Then it was hailing tiny little hail stones and raining like mad. The rest of my drive home was uneventful and boring. I wished Jenn was in the car with me. I felt like I left my sister in Atlanta. It was sad.
Day one back home, Wednesday.
Today I had lunch with some of my favorite Huntsville women. I cherish my friendships with them and though they will be far away when I move back to Florida, I feel very blessed to have them in my life!
So I have been at the Midwifery Today conference now for four days and my brain is mush. I am exhausted and ready to go home. Its not that it hasn't been full of awesome information, and it has been really neat to be in the same room with the likes of Michael Odent and Ina May Gaskin, however I am still ready to head home. I have pictures of course!!
This is a picture of Michael Odent giving a lecture on "The First Hour After Birth." Andrea and I went to this lecture and it was absolutely fascinating. It was one that I was very happy I went to as we got to hear three different perspectives on the first hour after birth, one from Cornelia Enning from Germany, one from Michael Odent from France, and one from Gail Hart from the USA. I had decided pretty much as soon as I heard Michael Odent talk for the first time at the Breech workshop, that I could listen to that man for HOURS. I could listen to him all day long. He fascinates me.
Of course, the hotel food here is very limited and *VERY* expensive, so Andrea and I have been having to find food within walking distance (there isn't much!) we did find this awesome little sub/sandwich shop called Jimmy John's and we had lunch there yesterday. While there I saw the most awesome sign ever:
Ok so that brought a smile to my face, and I really needed a smile yesterday. I need more smiles today too. Oh, and the sandwich was amazing too! I got a turkey on wheat with extra mayo and it had yummy sprouts on it too!!
So on day one we went to an all day long breech workshop. It was absolutely fascinating. We watched videos on water breech birth that is being done in Germany Just watch this amazing video I found on youtube of a breech waterbirth..you will be sold!
So... More from the conference....I went shopping!! Yup, that's right, Misty actually bought *herself* some things!! I saw Andrea in this shirt one of the first times I saw her, and I had to have one. I could have bought one online but never did (I hate paying shipping). So now I have my "Believe" T shirt. Isn't it awesome?!?! I might have to buy another one at a later date too. I just *love* this shirt, and want to get them in sizes appropriate for my children too. Children are our best advertisers and advocates!! Having babies with midwives just *makes sense* to my children. They don't understand why you *wouldn't* and they are fast to say so to any adults as well!!
I bought this tote for Kelly, it made me think of her. I would love to find this print in a T shirt instead of a tote (I wouldn't use the tote, I know Kelly will). If I find it in a Tshirt I will probably buy myself one of these too at some point. Isn't the picture just so loving and beautiful?!?!?!
Today Andrea and I went to the Twin Roundtables which was fascinating. As I stated above I could listen to Michael Odent speak for hours, he is such a fascinating (and scientific) man. I snapped a picture of Ina May Gaskin, Michael Odent, and Cornelia Enning (from left to right) while at the round tables. I really enjoyed hearing Michal Odent's theory as to why twins are considered pathological now and in need of being "rescued" by doctors. He believes it is due to the very rare complication called Twin to twin transfusion syndrome. This syndrome can only happen to monozygotic twins, which only account for 30% of all twins as it is, and TTTS only happens in less than 10% of all of *those* twins. It is not something that happens all the time. Of course, there is also a risk involved if the twins are monoamniotic monochorionic as there can be cord entanglement with those twins, but again, that is very rare. As with anything else, there is an appropriate time to seek out the help of a surgeon (aka obstetrician) however not all twins are in need of the skill of a surgeon.
I also "donated" ten dollars and got two of these mosaic pendant necklaces. I bought myself the hunter green one, and Kelly the lime green one. I may go back for one more for another friend tomorrow if they are still giving them away for a donation. Don't you just love the way these pendants look? I love the image of a pregnant woman almost just a little bit submerged in colorful water. It's just beautiful and so worth the donation!!
I also bought this T-shirt for a $15 donation to the North Carolina Midwives Association which helps them fund their fight to get legislation passed in North Carolina. If it helps an illegal state, I am happy to do it!! Plus, I love the shirt.
Tomorrow we have round tables and some more general sessions, but it is the last day of the conference. I am tired, and ready to go home. I said that already didn't I? We did get a bunch of free stuff too, which is cool. So, that has been my adventure at the conference thus far. I probably won't blog again until I get home.
Today I must spend some time packing for the Midwifery Today conference!! I am excited about the conference, not as excited about the plane ride. I am only taking a carry on, so I will have to get shampoo and stuff at our destination probably. We'll see. Maybe I can pack some travel sized.
I am having a hard time trying to decide what to pack to wear. Should I wear long skirts, or jeans? or cordoroys? what shoes should I pack? Man I sound like such a girl...and I don't usually.
We get on the plane tomorrow, and we get back a week later. I will try to update as I can while there to share some of the awesome stuff I wll be learning.
I am going to put out the disclaimer before writing this post and say that I *understand* that the *supposed* reason for making children color inside the lines at school is to increase their fine motor skills tuning. However, I believe there is a much more powerful message being sent to our children with the demand that they "color inside the lines" for better grades.
So why is it we are so proud of children when they color inside the lines on coloring books? And what is with the American fascination with coloring books with already made pictures in them? I can understand the idea of my children drawing a picture..of a dragon for example, and then wanting to color that dragon in and stay inside the lines. But why should my children feel inclined to stay inside lines someone else drew for them?
The message being sent to our kids by demanding they stay inside the lines someone else drew is a message that wreaks of conformity. This line is here. It is here because I say so. The "Powers that Be" put that line there. You must not cross it. I want my children to build their own boundaries, their own sense of self, and color their own pictures inside their own lines. I love giving them blank papers to draw and color on. I loathe printed coloring books.
I am not a conformist. As a midwife I simply cannot be a conformist. Going against the grain is in my blood, and in my very soul. I will never praise my children for coloring inside someone else's lines, I will instead celebrate their uniqueness when they draw their own pictures or find a way to make someone else's drawing uniquely their own (in or outside the lines).
The next time you are at the store and consider picking your child up a coloring book, consider, instead, reaching for the blank crayola sketch books designed for children, and let them draw their own lines and find their own uniqueness within themselves.
My interview at FSTM is set for April 26!! I will be heading back to Florida on April 23, and will be staying until April 28 I belive.
I had a bit of emotional upset (that's an understatement) today and found myself at wells hill park hiking the whole day instead of cleaning at home like I should have been. While there, I saw the most amazing thing. Can you see her? This is the roots of a tree (the tree is above and out of the picture) which were eroded by the river that used to run heavily through this area (and now is mostly just a shallow stream..which I was walking in. I walked past this and saw a woman standing, with her legs crossed and her toes pointed, and her arms outstretched holding back the land that was above. It was so inspirational, and was exactly what I needed right then. Isn't it beautiful? I also saw the roots of a tree that looked like a gorilla holding her baby. I haven't uploaded that picture yet from my camera but when I do I will add it to this post!
And then call your congresspeople and tell them to vote YES to SB414!! Don't live in Alabama? Know someone who does? Ask them to call!! Don't know anyone that does? Call ANYWAY!! Many people called Mississippi legislatures who did not even live in MS and helped to make a difference and STOP the awful law making midwifery illegal!! ALABAMA NEEDS TO HEAR FROM *YOU*!!!!! CALL NOW!!!
I want to love passionately, and to be loved equally passionately. I want to be happy. I don't know if I ever really have been. I want to be understood and I want to be depended on to understand. I want to be held at night. I want to be the most important thing in someone's life, and vice versa. I want to be loved and not judged. I want a good male role model for my boys and a healthy marriage for my daughter to be molded by. I want to respect and be respected. I want someone who lives passionately. Someone who will cherish me. Someone who will sing like no one is listening and dance like no one is watching. Someone who will happily sit between two of my kids at Mass so that there is an adult separating all three, simply because they know it makes my life much easier, even if they can't stand going. Someone who will be my pillar of strength when I feel I haven't a shred of my own left. Someone who can make me laugh when I'm crying, and who can cool my hot anger with the slightest touch. Someone who will accept my children with open arms, and love the individuals they are. Someone who is open to life. Someone who is stable in his own life. Someone who can stand the life of a midwife. Someone with patience to match my own. Someone who can share me, happily, with the whole village of women, children, and families who I live and breathe to serve on a day to day basis. Someone who not only respects my dreams and ambitions for my future but helps me attain them and maybe even travels with me happily years from now on mission trips to pre-industrialized countries. I wonder if that someone exists. I wonder if it might just be too much to ask. But that's what I want.
What a fitting time of year for this post. I found myself reminding myself today of this journey called life, and what it is all really about. I was forced into a truth today that I'd rather have done without, but now it's out.
After my exhusband left I began looking at my life as a series of rebirths, each one resulting in a slighly newer, slightly smarter, slightly more improved version of me. When I was in fourth grade and we moved to Florida from Ohio, thus getting me away from my abusers, I was reborn.
When I met Andy and started going to Church, I was reborn.
When I graduated from high school and realized that sometimes love hurts - a lot. I was reborn.
When I got married I was reborn.
When I had my first baby I was reborn. When I caught my husband cheating the first time I was reborn.
When I had my second and third baby, I was reborn each time.
When I returned to Church I was reborn.
When my husband left, I was again reborn.
When I found Andy again, and rediscovered parts of me I thought were gone forever, I was reborn.
And now that my heart has been shattered, I am yet again reborn.
How many times, I began to wonder, must one be reborn? And I realized the answer while driving home from Church, tears streaming down my face: We shall be reborn over and over again until the final time, our own resurrection day. We shall be reborn again and again through this journey called life, and the last time, the final time, that we are reborn, we shall be perfect. And we will live in the Millenial Kingdom as perfect beings.
But in the mean time, I feel like the phoenix rising. And that's why my first tat will be that of a phoenix. I will take pics of it as soon as I finally manage to get it.
"Christ has died, Christ has risen, Christ will come again."
Jesus said to her, "I am the resurrection and the life. Whoever believes in me will live, even though he dies; and whoever lives and believes in me will never die...." John 11:25,26
Father Joy told us a story last Sunday that went something like this:
A Bishop was telling a story at a Mass one Sunday that went something like this:
a young man came into a Church and told the priest that he did not care if Jesus died for him, he didn't ask Him to, and he didn't want the gift.
The priest then told the man to go up to the front of the Church, to the huge crucifix hanging from the ceiling, and to yell at the top of his voice "I don't care that You died for me! I didn't ask ou to! I don't want Your gift!"
So the young man did so. He walked up to the front of the Church, to the Crucified Christ, and yelled at the top of his lungs "I don't care that You died for me! I didn't ask You to! I don't want Your gift!"
"Good" the priest said, now do it again!
And so the young man yelled again, this time with a little less might "I don't care that You died for me! I didnt' ask You to! I don't want Your gift!" as his voice was breaking and tears were streaming down his face
"Good" the priest said, now just once more...
And the young man stood there, and began crying in heavy heaves. He replied to the priest "I cannot do it again." and he looked up to the figure of Christ on the Cross.
"And who was this young man and what became of him?" asked the Bishop. "The young man is me." The Bishop replied to the Church full of people.
The moral of the story? Jesus died for all of us, that we all might have the chance to live in Heaven. It was a gift he gave selflessly. The ultimate sacrifice. He gave it for you, and me, and she and he whether or not we wanted it, or asked for it. Please accept his gift. The most precious gift you will ever be offered. And live forever in Him.
I believe in dreams. I believe dreams are our mind's way of working through problems in our every day life. Working through our stresses. Finding solutions. Living vicariously through our own dreams. Letting the part of us that we suppress every day come out. Many times dreams are hard to understand. They are symbolic and archaic. They have hidden meanings that are hard to interpret. But sometimes those dreams are crystal clear.
Last night I had a powerful dream. A dream that I was a decade or more older, and working as a missionary in Africa. I was working with another midwife friend, Kelly. We had started traveling around Africa teaching the women how to be safe practitioners in the art of midwifery. Teaching the girls and women what herbs they can take, and how to harvest and keep them, in order to avoid pregnancy, treat pre-eclampsia, increase milk supply, ward off infection, and other useful things. Teaching them how to breastfeed and the importance of it. And, of course, delivering babies. Lots of them. During our missions in Africa we became experts at breeches, twins, and other variations from normal. It was an amazing and blissful dream. It is the whole of my goal in life.
I keep telling myself that I need to keep my eyes on the prize, as my friend Thomas says to me all the time. My life, and the successes (or failures) therein are my responsibility. I have to own it. And I want to love it. I have decided to look at it like my life has been filled with different challenges simply to prepare me for the awesome task ahead of me. Being a midwife is an awesome responsibility, and being a teacher to an entire nation of midwives is almost as big. I hope that I am up to it.
I don't remember if I blogged about this or not, but I completed my application to FSTM. I am just waiting now for my interview date to come through the wire. They have assured me that I *will* have an interview, so my application made it through the first step. I am not nervous or anxious about it, mostly I am just sad at the thought of leaving my wonderful, peaceful world here in south central Tennessee. But I have to keep my eyes on the prize. And the prize (currently) is my CPM and Florida License, which will allow me to become licensed anywhere in the USA that licenses midwives.
I have been worried a lot lately about my boys. My daughter has me to use as a role model for how to be a strong woman (at least, in my opinion I am a good role model). But my boys don't have a strong male role model in their life. I worry that they will grow up to be just like their father, and my father, and my uncle. It's not how I want them to be. I have somewhat become hyper focused on making sure that I do everything I can to show them how to be loving, compassionate, patient, slow tempered individuals who respect women. I wish that I had a male role model to offer them, but I do know that if we are closer to Jimmy, that he will be an amazing role model for my kids. At least until (*if*) I find the right man for my life.
I am opening a new blog. Those of you who are sneaky may have already noticed that there is a new blog on my list. It is not ready to be read yet, as I am still working on "building" it. However it will be called "Silence Us Not!" and will be a blog that is completely focused on activism of all kinds, everything that I support and try to be active in, with urgings for anybody to join me. I think it will be a neat blog, and as my fourth one to be opened..I think I can officially be called a blog addict!
Well, all in all, not much. I have been working on getting my life back together, and doing a decent job of it if I do say so myself. This is Easter week and so I have been busy with stuff for that too. I did all of the laundry yesterday and packed up all the winter coats and clothes. Spring is in the air, and so is spring cleaning.
I have sent in the rest of my paperwork for FSTM. Now what my life will look like in the fall really depends on whether or not I am accepted. It makes me both sad and happy. I love it here in south central Tennessee, and I will miss it so much if I go. I love that my kids can play down the road and I don't have to worry about them as much. I love how much land we have. Everything feels so cramped in Florida. The traffic is awful, crime is everywhere, and I feel claustrophobic when I am there.
I've made good friends while here in Tennessee and Alabama, and I will be sad to leave them too, if that is the way I am led. I guess now it is just a waiting game to see what happens.
Are rolling in slowly for me. I got one of them today. I have been assuming that I was "on call" since getting back to Tennessee and apparently that was faulty thinking. I talked to Linda this morning and found out that one of our clients delivered yesterday, and Linda did not call me. Anyone who is familiar with Linda and apprentices knows that this, well, behavior, marks the beginning of the end of the apprentice relationship. I imagine that I am out of the birth room most likely for good, at least with Linda. I am glad I have a plan B for finishing my midwifery education, or I would be frantic right now. Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T
So I arrived back home late last night after a long drive through Florida, Georgia, Tennessee, Alabama, and back into Tennessee. I had been putting off coming home, because there was so much mess waiting for me here that I just did not feel emotionally equipped to deal with. Now I am home, and I still haven't dealt with the mess. The picture to the left is an example of how I feel right now. Beaten up by life. Exhausted. Stressed. Old. And ready to just give up on it all. That isn't like me, and I can't stay this way long. I will drive myself crazy this way.
I am sitting here after Palm/Passion Sunday Mass, at McDonald's with my kids. This is our normal Sunday routine, and I am glad to be getting back into routine, as that might help me start feeling human again. Palm Sunday Mass was, of course, beautiful. And I cried like a baby, as always. I can't even say a full rosary when it is on a day that mentions the flogging of Jesus. I end up crying my eyes out through the whole thing. I have always had a very immediate, uncontrollable, extremely emotional reaction to the happenings during the last week of Jesus' life. I don't know if there are many other Christians who have the same emotional response as I do, but it is quite severe in my opinion.
I openly admit that I am an emotional person. I cry at every birth (either during, or right after). I cry at weddings. I cry at Church. I cry watching movies. I cry when I'm angry (this crying annoys me the most out of any other response that I get).
I made the mistake, last year at a very emotional time in my life, of watching the movie "Passion of the Christ" (for the first time) after having one of the worst days in my life. Needless to say I spent hours glued to my television, unable to turn away from the horror that laid before me, shaking crying and vomiting, all while trying to keep my eyes dry enough to read the subtitles (as I do not speak aramaic!) I see myself watching "Passion of the Christ" every year come Easter time, but I cannot see myself having my children watch it until they are much older. I will probably fall back on the oldie but goodie "Jesus of Nazareth" for them this time of year. I used to watch this movie every year when I was a kid, despite the fact that I was not raised in a religious household, I was both fascinated with the story behind Jesus Christ, horrified by what the people did to him, and deeply moved to be a better person all year so as to deserve the amazing gift that he gave me. I guess you can say that even though I did not "find" God until much later, in high school while dating Andy, I was a spiritual person way before then.
Easter week is always such a busy week for us. Between Church and family and school stuff, I will barely have time to sleep (and I definitely shouldn't have time to think about him...)!! Oh, and now that I am back home I am back on call, and have one woman due any time!
So what are my goals as I work through the next few months? To find happy Misty again. I had her once, for a brief moment, and now I want her back! I lived so many years in an unhappy marriage with an indifferent Misty, and now that I have had a taste of happiness again, I won't settle for anything less! (and for those of you who are wondering..no, that is not a picture of me on the beach (though I would have LOOKED that happy had I made it to the beach this last trip to Florida!!)
I know I have many friends who are thinking about me, and praying for me, and I want you all to know that I really do appreciate it. My life is looking up, and everything will be ok. Just tough right now, but it will get easier. I am certain I will be updating soon with more changes to my life.
Now go out and *support* your midwives!! Help Alabama join the rest of the nation in making midwifery legal and licensing Certified Professional Midwives within the state of Alabama! Alabama currently has TWENTY-SIX counties with NO ACCESS to maternity care! Legalizing midwifery in Alabama will open these counties up to safe out-of-hospital care.
"We have made monumental strides with our legislative effort this session, and now we need your help! Senate Bill 414, the bill to license Certified Professional Midwives in Alabama, will pass out of committee and be brought to the Senate floor for a vote within the coming week or two. Before the vote, our Senators need to hear the message loud and clear: Alabama families support licensed midwives"
Call your legislatures and make yourself heard! Tell your representatives to vote YES for SB414 and tell them Alabama needs to legalize CPM's!!
For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother’s womb. I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made; your works are wonderful, I know that full well. My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place. When I was woven together in the depths of the earth, your eyes saw my unformed body. All the days ordained for me were written in your book before one of them came to be.
Exodus 1:15-20
The king of Egypt said to the Hebrew midwives, whose names were Shiphrah and Puah, “When you help the Hebrew women in childbirth and observe them on the delivery stool, if it is a boy, kill him; but if it is a girl, let her live.” The midwives, however, feared God and did not do what the king of Egypt had told them to do; they let the boys live. Then the king of Egypt summoned the midwives and asked them, “Why have you done this? Why have you let the boys live?”
The midwives answered Pharaoh, “Hebrew women are not like Egyptian women; they are vigorous and give birth before the midwives arrive.”
So God was kind to the midwives and the people increased and became even more numerous. And because the midwives feared God, he gave them families of their own.
Patron Saint of Midwives, newborns, infants, pregnant women, childbirth:
St. Raymond Nonnatus
St. Raymond Nonnatus (1204 - 1240) hailed from Catalonia, Spain. His name means not born (= non-natus) as he was delivered by caesarian. He was a priest and Master-general of Mercedarian Order. He was said to have spent his entire estate ransoming Christians, and then giving himself up as a hostage to free another. Pope Gregory IX made him a cardinal. His feast day is August 31.
Midwifery Student, Apprentice, newly engaged single mom. I have been thrust into a life I never thought I'd have, and have learned that I am loving every moment of it. I never dreamed I would be a single mom, yet I am. I definitely never dreamed I would be a single mom *and* a midwifery student, yet I am. I thought once I gave up on my marriage I also gave up on midwifery, at least until my children were grown, but I was wrong. I love my life, and am thankful to be where I am. I am a strong advocate for women, no matter their particular situations in life. I love my work, and consider it more of a calling. It is God's work, and I am merely His humble servant. A servant of God, Women, Children, and Families.
