Oh Baby Baby!

Today and yesterday have been filled with movement from this baby. It has been the most movement I have felt yet! Alas, though, every time I would feel her moving and have Jereme put his hand on my belly she would hold still. Sneaky girl! So today, after vacuuming the floors I laid down for a bit because i was all hot and sweaty. She immediately began to kick and squirm, so I called my eldest son in to feel her. He put his hand on my belly and waited and success! He got to feel his baby sister move for the first time, and also gets to be the first person (other than me of course) to feel her!

More to follow!

Its a New Year

So its a new year, and about to be the start of a new life for me and the children. In just about 9 weeks I will be getting married. I can't believe it, I can count the weeks on my fingers. It is coming up so fast.

We are also preparing to buy a house, and figuring out where to buy that house has been a huge discussion in our house. I really did not want to move from Good Shepherd Catholic School and Church but it is turning out that that really might be the best choice for the whole family. After all we have a child entering high school in less than 4 years and no Catholic, or even decent, high school near where we were thinking of buying a house. However, if we move to Brevard county we then have to think about college..and if we stayed in Orlando they could go to UCF and stay home, but if we move to Brevard they would most likely have to dorm. Oh so many things to consider!!

I am in my second to last semester of midwifery school too (God willing). I will be so excited to be finished. Especially if we have to move to Brevard.

Anyway, there is a small update about me!

STRESSED!!

I am finding myself so stressed out these days. I have had a lot of stuff going on in my family life that has been trying the limits of my abilities to cope. Mix that with planning a wedding, raising three children, the final year of midwifery school, being on call, working clinic, and my own personal roller coaster ensues, both emotionally and physically.

I'm beginning to feel it. The exhaustion that sets in from too much stress. I'm trying to find moments to remind myself it will all be worth it in the end, and that God's plans are sometimes quite different than our own. Spending a lot of time in prayer lately.

On a brighter note, we are taking the kids camping this weekend to an awesome part of a national forest. I can't wait to just relax and soak in the days for a few days. It's like our own mini staycation. Jereme and I really need this time to just chill and get back to the basics with the family. We're both about at our peak of frustrations these days.

Speaking of Jereme....he found a kitten in our back yard. The kitten is all black with yellow green eyes and has since been named "bipity bopity boo" or "boo" for short. He's about 6 months old. At first he was way skittish of us, but my daughter tricked him into coming in the house and now all he does is sit in our laps and purr. God knew I needed a baby in the house to love on I guess :)

well that's it for now, off to do some more organizing for the trip!!!

The Home Stretch!!

I feel like there are so many things coming to culmination within the next year. I'm in the home stretch in so many things!

My wedding is only 6 months away! I can't believe it. In just six more months I will once again be a wife. What a huge life change this is.

I should graduate from midwifery school and finally have my Florida license in just 10 more months! I can't believe it. It's been such a long road, frustrating and lovely and frustrating and perfectly done just the way it was supposed to be.

My birthday just came around again, though I was still combating the flu, it still ended up being an alright birthday anyway. I have such an amazing family and my mom, brother, children and Jereme all celebrated with me and made sure it was a good birthday.

Clinic has been busy as always!! Gotta love my life!

Will update again soon!

One year ago

One year ago yesterday eHarmony.com matched me with a group of local men. Out of that group, I chose to only start communicating with two. Of the two, only one was interesting enough to continue to communicate with, and his name was Jereme. It has been one year since the start of our amazing whirlwind of a romance and I am still loving every minute of it. Jereme asked me a few days ago when it was that that feeling would wear off. Many of you know the feeling he spoke of, the feeling of not wanting to go to work (or whatever) because it involves leaving each other for a brief time. We just can't get enough of each other, still, and wonder if and when it will wear off. Some have suggested to Jereme it would wear off after the first year, we shall see. But I know from personal experience, when I am totally in love with someone, it never really wears off.

We've been talking a lot about midwifery, and the wedding, and school, and the honeymoon, and having more children. Wow how my life has changed in the last 18 months, it's barely even recognizable as mine. I am living such a blessed life, in a career that I love, with three amazing children and one of the most amazing men I have ever met.

I truly feel like I'm living a dream.

two families

Molding two families and two households into one is turning out to be a stressful ordeal for me. I never thought this would be a particularly overwhelming step for me, but its turning out to be. I start thinking about things and then wandering down different rabbit holes until I just have no idea about anything anymore. I will say that this is more complicated when you have kids and other stuff already in the picture. It will all work out though, I just have to practice my patience.

Summer Heat

Year one term 3. Almost a junior!!

Today I finally asked one of my beast friends Sunni to be my maid of honor. I've been wanting to ask her for a few weeks, but just haven't been able to get to see her in person. I finally decided to ask her over the phone, and I am so happy that I did!! We cried together over the phone and it was just a beautiful moment. The wedding party is almost completely chosen now, we're just waiting on one of the potential bridesmaids to confirm that she can come.

Right now we're on summer break, and this break I have a ton to do. I have to clean, do a ton of homework, be on call, and still try to enjoy myself and Jereme for the holiday weekend. We'll see how it goes.

My repro research paper is on the antepartal risk factors associated with incidence of cerebral palsy. My antepartum paper is on hyperemesis gravidarum. My antepartum paper is due before the repro paper, but the repro paper is way more interesting and therefore is almost done, even though my antepartum paper is sitting in my head bouncing around.

My kids are in Ohio for the summer having fun with their great grandparents and cousins and such. I miss them so much. They have never been up there without me, it's definitely been a difficult experience for me, less so for them. But they are having a blast, so that's good.

Jereme started his new job and loves it. I am so proud of him and happy that he is doing something he likes and is good at. Our lives are really coming together.

Yes!! I will!!

So, the kids are with their dad for spring break this week. We dropped them off to him on Friday, had a wonderful evening in with home cooked salmon and broccoli for dinner, and enjoyed a quiet evening. The next day we headed to New Smyrna Beach for our weekend get away. My spring break was a few weeks ago, so this really is the only break I get from it all. Of course I have a microbiology exam Tuesday and two papers due in a week, but that's a whole different story.

So we get here (lilies that he bought me in tow, I couldn't possibly leave them at home!) and go walking on the beach. It was so beautiful. There were dolphins swimming so close to shore we could almost touch them, and pelicans flying over head. It was a little chilly, and the water was too cold to swim in, but it was still beautiful. I found several awesome finds of shells for my kids too!!

He asked that I bring something for a nice dinner, so I packed black strap heels and a new black dress he bought just for the occassion, so we went back to the hotel and got ready for dinner. Driving out to dinner, he stops by the Ponce Inlet lighthouse. It's dark outside and the lighthouse is all lit up, it was just beautiful. He gets down on one knee, opens a little black box, and proposes!! Of course I said yes!!

More to follow, off to climb a lighthouse!!

It's Been How Long?

okay, so I am a total slacker. Let's just say that life + midwifery school = misty's butt being kicked. Not only have we been sick (and I mean *SICK*) three (going on FOUR now that Bobby has a fever and belly ache tonight) times in the two semesters I've been at FSTM, but I also attempted to apprentice in Sarasota again, which turned out to be way too much for my family to handle, and I started a job birth assisting with a local midwife, and there is that addition of a boyfriend (and two dogs) to the equation. Soooo.... I've neglected almost everything else in my life. My blog (so sorry), my written journals (how sad!), my friends (I miss you guys!), and sometimes even sleep (welcome to my life). What's the big news this semester? I might fail my first class *EVER*! W-T-F? Yeah, so that sucks. Turns out microbiology is kicking my butt. But at least it isn't kicking only my butt. Pretty much the whole class is failing. Defect on my part? I think not. We'll see how final grades turn out.

So this week is spring break. I am using my time with cleaning, and playing. I should be studying that awful microbiology. But I'm not - yet. As I sit here typing and trying to keep my eyes open, Jereme is telling me to save and shut down to go to sleep LOL! Anyway, guess I better wrap up this update, probably won't write another one for a long time once again :( Maybe I will. Who knows. If I could get my phone set back up to mobile blogger, then I would update more often. Will have to fiddle with it.

When Harry Met Sally

Or Rather..When Jereme Met Misty: the beginning

I was given some birthday money this year, and so I decided to make the most of it. The week of my birthday I received an email from eHarmony letting me know that they had a special going on, 4 months for the price of one. I had gotten so many "matches" on eHarmony (but of course, could not communicate with any of them except during free communication weekends) that I decided to go on and put my birthday money into four months of eHarmony. A week after I signed up for a full account I was matched up with several people and communicated with a handful of them, including Jereme. At first I was unsure, as I had been weeding out all military from my matches (no offense to our nation's military, I just didn't think my life would easily match a man who had to deploy often) but I noticed we had a lot in common, and was impressed with how important family seemed to be to him. We made it to email communication and he asked me to meet him for coffee. I asked him how he felt about kids, and he replied that he was apprehensive about it. Well, I figured, I might as well meet him for coffee but I bet nothing will come of it since he seems to not like the idea of being a step father.

I set up to meet him for coffee on a Thursday, and I arrived a bit early. I sat at the coffee shop and fiddled with my phone, texting one of my friends while trying not to become nervous about meeting someone basically blindly off the internet. a few minutes after I arrived, I spotted him. At first I thought, is that really him? It didn't really look like him in his picture...but then I'm pretty bad at remembering names and faces and thought maybe I was just remembering wrong. Well, he's wearing the same color clothes he said he'd wear so it must be him. I waited for him to approach me, which he did, nervously. He sat down and we started talking, I think about work first, and then Church, and then we broached the subject of my kids. We had been there for over an hour when I decided I really wanted to go walking outside, it was such a beautiful day. I asked if he'd mind joining me, and he of course wanted to. We walked around until the very last moment I could stay before I had to get my kids. We could talk so easily, and I was so comfortable with him right from the beginning. He said he'd like to see me again, and asked for my phone number. We exchanged numbers and I hurried home, giddy with excitement over this sweet many I met.

A few days later he called me, and I tried to act as if I wasn't ecstatic to get his phone call, so I let it go to voicemail the first time, and I called him back a little while later. We talked that night until both of our phones went dead, about everything in our lives. We also set up to see each other again, Wednesday night after school.

So, Wednesday night after school I met him at Oviedo Marketplace and we went to Chili's for dinner. After dinner we walked around for awhile talking, but ended up deciding to drive around as it was dark out and there wasn't much to walk around. After hours of driving and talking, we decided to head to City Walk so we could walk around again. We dropped my van off at my house and he drove us out to City Walk. We stayed there until they closed, and then decided to go to Steak and Shake after ice cream. When we got there and I was sitting down, I finally started winding down and becoming tired. We left to take me home, and ended up sitting in his truck in front of my house for another hour or so just trying to say goodbye. This was the first time we had any contact, when he reached over to hold my hand. I was walking on clouds. He asked to see me again, and I said we could see each other Friday, but it ended up being a drill weekend, and so we went out again Monday during the school day.

That Monday we went to Moss park for a picnic and day hike. We spent all this time talking more and getting to know each other better. It was at Moss park that he kissed me the first time. I was pretty nervous at this time, wondering what I was getting myself into. Was I ready for this again? Was I ready to have my heart broken again? Was it worth the risk of a broken heart to find out if it would end happily ever after instead? I decided to go with the flow, and try to relax. I had such a good time, and was living in the moment. He asked when he could see me again, and I told him we could go out Wednesday after school. He invited me to his place, but I was hesitant, I told him we should go out somewhere instead.

By Wednesday, however, he had convinced me to come to his place. So, I did. I had such a great time at his place, and ended up spending the night. A week after this he met my kids, and has been around all the time since then. When I'm home and he's home, we're together. My kids adore him, and he is great with my kids. My family all love him, and most importantly, I am completely in love with him. I have never felt like this before, and I'm so glad that I put myself out there again. My life is truly blessed.

Ready or Not, Here We Go!

So many things to update, I have gotten so behind on my blog. I completed my first term at FSTM successfully with a fairly decent GPA, and I am content with that. This week I start Year 1 Term 2, and my apprenticeship is once again underway. I am excited to be moving along in this journey!!

We went to get our stuff from Tennessee a few weeks ago. Though we didn't fit it all in the trailer we did get most of the big stuff. My boys are now sleeping in their own beds and we have places to put all the clothes!! I am happy to have most of our stuff here, but feeling overwhelmed with a lack of space to put it all. I am in the process of downsizing and minimizing, and have a feeling a garage sale is in my near future.

We went to Ohio for Christmas, the weather was very cold and snowy but we had a good time. My children were of course spoiled, though more spoiled by Jereme than by my family this year.

Speaking of Jereme, so now we've been dating nearly 4 months, I can't believe it. I went ahead and canceled my eHarmony account, as I don't think I am going to need that anymore.

I'm in!! I'm in!!

Last week a received my acceptance to Florida School of Traditional Midwifery by email! I was so excited that I jumped up and down for joy and giggled like a schoolgirl. It only took a few seconds for me to stop, and think to myself, now what the hell do I do?!?!?!

Moving back to Florida is such a huge decision. Even though I know that it is the right decision for my midwifery career, it is hard for me to figure out what is the right decision for my chldren. Well, within the next week or so you will know what my decision is, I am planning to decide and announce it by this time next week!

Sweet Summer Songs and Whispers in the Wind

I told a friend and midwife mentor that I was going to use this time over the summer to pray, and focus, and decide where it is my future is taking me. I have been doing a lot of praying, and a lot of contemplating, and still have yet to come up with an answer to my questions. A once good friend told me that when making difficult decisions sometimes it is best to just throw all logic out the window and have faith in God's bigger plan for us. I used to have no problems following this advice - when it was just me. Now my decisions, however, are bigger than just me. The happiness and futures of three other amazing people have been trusted to me to help grow, and develop, and turn into amazing adults from the amazing children that they already are. When other people's fates are also in your hands, especially people whom you love with a primal, unexplainable completeness, decisions become harder to make. And, it seems, I find it harder to only trust in Faith alone.

The single hardest thing I have ever had to do since entering into this amazing role of "mother" is to make dcisions for my children. Even the most mundane seeming decision can turn into a stressful situation. I toil over what pediatrician/dentist/etc to use. I toil over how to raise them religiously. I toil over what school to put them in. I toil over whether to homeschool or not. I toil over how staying with their father would affect them. I toiled over how leaving their father would affect them. Vaccinations. Circumcision (or the lack of). Parenting styles. Cribs or no cribs. Disposable diapers or cloth? Wool or PUL? Work or Stay home? Finish a college degree or wait until they are grown? Follow my dreams? This becomes ever more trying as a single mother because now there is no more joint decision making. Now I am solely responsible. I am solely accountable for the raising of these little beings I call my children.

I realized while doing all of this praying and meditating this summer, that it is all like one sweet summer song. The life that I draw, that I create, that I write about. The life that I choose to make for my children. This is not the ideal life that I pictured myself and my children in 9 years ago when first starting my family. I believe that children need *two* parents. God chose to make it so that we cannot procreate without both sexes and both people are valuable in the upbringing. However, not everyone takes their commitment seriously, and I could no longer keep my marriage than a womb can keep a child past its time. After my marriage was over I was hurt and depressed and longing for something that once was. I denied to everyone, even to my self, that I ever loved my ex husband. I was so full of disgust for him at that point. But it isn't true. I did love him, very much. And he took advantage of me. And he lied to me. And now I am dealing with the consequences of his actions and inactions by raising three amazing children without him.

But I will not let it discourage me. And I will not get stuck in old patterns once again. I am a strong woman, with a strong desire to do what is right by my children, and so I believe that I will be given enough wisdom to know what is right and what is wrong for them. After all, they are my children, who were knit together in my womb. Whom I loved before they were even there. Whom I loved since my very beginnings. I no longer remember a time when I did not have love for them, when they were not a part of my life.

The wind whispered to me one day, and showed me a glimpse of my daughter years from now. Having married a man just like her father, and sitting alone one night, her own children in bed, crying silently by a fire. The vision weighed on my heart so heavily that I knew at that very moment I had to change things. For her. And for my boys, so they would not grow up to be men just like their father. And so we left.

Now I am left with another major decision. I have to decide how much I am willing to take away from my children, in order to give them a better life in the future. Am I willing to take away the beautiful house, the 1 acre of land, the horses next door, the peace of mind that allows me to have the children play in the neighborhood until the street light (there is only one!) comes on without worrying about strangers lifting them and taking them away? Am I willing to take away the small town, the life I've been working on building for them the last year, the friends they've made, the moderate climate, the occasional snow? Am I willing to move away from the one place I've longed to live for so long (a selfish question, I know)? Am I willing to bring them closer to their father, closer to the very influence I wanted to get them away from?

What are the good things we get in exchange you might ask? Three years from now (about) I would earn a license to practice midwifery in Florida. A climate for midwifery that will hopefully still be more positive than it is in Alabama. I would be able to earn more of a living in Florida than I ever could operating in Tennessee or Alabama (where it is still a class 3 misdemeanor). I could, perhaps, get the children and I out on our own. No longer have to rely on family for a roof over our head or water for our baths. That, ultimately, is my goal. Can I reach that goal successfully in Tennessee? Probably. If I gave up midwifery. Can I give up midwifery? No.

So, this is the decision that I must toil over this summer. And really, a decision can't be made at all until I hear back from FSTM one way or the other, which I have not yet. In the mean time, I will continue to listen to the whispers in the wind.

Having a Hard Time

I've been having a hard time with a few things the last few weeks. I'm worried about the three women left at the clinic whom I am/was bonded to and my thoughts are on them quite often I have found. I am hoping that they have the amazing, peaceful, beautiful births that they are so hoping for. I have been having a hard time "letting go" of my ties to the clinic, to the women who are there still, and to the love, time and energy that I put into helping build the clinic. There is a fundamental sense of betrayal that I have been dealing with.

I've found myself working through things in my life again, trying to determine how it is I always end up back in these destructive, abusive relationships. I have a very strong desire NOT to end up in a relationship like that again (both personally and professionally) and I am finding myself almost wanting to pull away from everyone and everything to avoid ending up once again in a damaging situation. I have, over the course of the last 2-3 months, activated every self-preservation and self-help mechanism that I know. I'm tired. I just want a break from it.

The children and I leave for Florida this Thursday. I have been busy cleaning and packing and trying to get everything prepared for me to be out of this house all summer. I am going to try to have a good summer. Relaxing. Taking care of myself. and having fun. Fun. I vaguely remember how to have fun. I think.

Getting Ready

So the kids and I leave in only 19 days for Florida. I am spending the remainder of these days getting ready for the trip and packing in such a way that I can bring down the maximum amount of stuff possible during this trip. I hope to bring their bikes down now that all three are riding on two wheels, so that they can bike ride at their grandpa's house (he always ends up watching them for my ex-husband, often).

I have been anxiously awaiting my letter from FSTM. Though they did tell us that it could take as long as mid June to get a letter from them, I keep praying for more on the earlier than later side of things. I am on pins and needles and sort of in limbo until this decision is known to me, and I hate it when my life is left hanging like this, dependent on other people's decisions. I have instituted a plan B in case I am not accepted, but lets hope I don't have to go there.

Lisa from MTB asked me to come to South Carolina for the next skills weekend that she will be hostessing so that I can teach students there how to use moodle, and so that I can help Lisa learn moodle in preparation for turning it all over to her before I start FSTM. I am hoping to make it to the skills weekend, though I am currently seeking anyone who might want to car pool there with me to help me save on gas money. I am strapped for cash right now until my prerequisites for FSTM have been met.

In the mean time, I have just been cleaning and packing, and making new friends (what's that about? I am about to leave the area but yet keep making new friends as I go along!! I am beginning to see the sisterhood of midwives in Huntsville that I was carefully guarded from while I've been here...and I am deciding they are pretty amazing women.)

I am also faced with a difficult decision regarding my oldest son for next year if we move back to Florida. I realize he is way ahead of his classmates in Tennessee and that Florida public schools are even more behind than Tennessee public schools are. Soooooo....now I am faced with pushing to have him accelerated into 5th grade. I know that I could win my case about it, but I wonder if it is the right decision to make. Here in TN they wanted to accelerate him this year but I would not let them...however I am second guessing that decision now. I am going to buy him a Big Fourth Grade Book for the summer time and see how he does. If he flies through it, I will ask that they accelerate him, since he cannot attend Good Shepherd Catholic School until he's been in a Florida public school for a year.

Blessed

My children have been blessed. They are blessed with oodles of grandparents who love them. They have both of my parents in their life, as well as my ex-husband's father. Though my ex-husband's mother is still living, she cannot be bothered with getting to know my children, and they do not even know that she exists. I know that is sad, and I used to stress about it, but I cannot spend my time stressing about it, it is her loss, and maybe not my children's loss.

They are also blessed to have both my maternal and my paternal grandparents in their lives. Though my ex-husband's maternal grandmother is still alive, again she cannot be bothered with getting to know my children and thus they do not know she exists. I am excitedly trying to plan a trip to New Jersey this summer with my children so that they will meet my father-in-law's mother, who is also still alive.

I believe that family bonds are important, and my children are so blessed to have so many grandparents. However I also recognize that my grandparents (and my father-in-law's mother) are getting quite old. I worry about how much time they have left to spend with my children. Right now both my paternal grandfather in Florida and my maternal grandfather in Ohio are sick, and one is having surgery next week. They aren't getting any younger....and I am saddened at the thought that my children will experience death and dying and grief at a much younger age than I did (as I haven't really experienced it with someone I am very close to yet!). I am not even sure how to help my children deal with grief and death and dying, as I have no experience with it.

But even as my grandparent's time draws nearer, my children are still blessed, and loved.

Doula, CBE, Summer Plans, *Sigh*

Well, it seems, my summer is suddenly packed. I had thought about trying to go out west to the grand canyon (simply because I've never been there) but it appears that that is not going to be able to happen. Then I thought about getting a summer job, but it looks like that might not be able to happen either. I may try to pick up a few doula clients over the summer when I am in one place at least LOL!

So, this is how the next few months look for me:

MAY

May is probably going to my busiest of all months it seems. I do hope to pick up a few doula clients during the month of May but if I don't, no big deal. May 2nd is the last day of religious education for my kids. May 15th is my brother's birthday, but will be my T1 and T2's birthday party (combined) as they will leave for their daddy's soon after that. May 19th is Bobby's last day of school and May 21st we all leave for Florida. We'll arrive on the night of May 21st, and on May 22nd I will have another birthday party for T1 and T2 with family and friends in Florida. On May 23rd the kids will go to their father's. I hope I hear from FSTM before then. Finger's crossed.

JUNE

June I will be in Florida for much of the time, hanging out with friends and maybe taking on some doula clients if I can find them due that month. I will be going to Gainesville for their CBE course in June (required as a prerequisite for admission).

JULY

July will be a bit busier for me. I pick up the kids from their dad on July 2nd and then drive up to Ohio to spend some time with my family. We'll probably be up there for a few weeks. During that time I should get my Doula workshop (also required as a prerequisite for admission) out of the way. Once we leave Ohio I will probably be coming back to Tennessee for a little while, but really what happens then depends on if I am accepted to FSTM.

So there is my next three months in a nutshell!

Dreams and other updates on Misty

I believe in dreams. I believe dreams are our mind's way of working through problems in our every day life. Working through our stresses. Finding solutions. Living vicariously through our own dreams. Letting the part of us that we suppress every day come out. Many times dreams are hard to understand. They are symbolic and archaic. They have hidden meanings that are hard to interpret. But sometimes those dreams are crystal clear.

Last night I had a powerful dream. A dream that I was a decade or more older, and working as a missionary in Africa. I was working with another midwife friend, Kelly. We had started traveling around Africa teaching the women how to be safe practitioners in the art of midwifery. Teaching the girls and women what herbs they can take, and how to harvest and keep them, in order to avoid pregnancy, treat pre-eclampsia, increase milk supply, ward off infection, and other useful things. Teaching them how to breastfeed and the importance of it. And, of course, delivering babies. Lots of them. During our missions in Africa we became experts at breeches, twins, and other variations from normal. It was an amazing and blissful dream. It is the whole of my goal in life.

I keep telling myself that I need to keep my eyes on the prize, as my friend Thomas says to me all the time. My life, and the successes (or failures) therein are my responsibility. I have to own it. And I want to love it. I have decided to look at it like my life has been filled with different challenges simply to prepare me for the awesome task ahead of me. Being a midwife is an awesome responsibility, and being a teacher to an entire nation of midwives is almost as big. I hope that I am up to it.

I don't remember if I blogged about this or not, but I completed my application to FSTM. I am just waiting now for my interview date to come through the wire. They have assured me that I *will* have an interview, so my application made it through the first step. I am not nervous or anxious about it, mostly I am just sad at the thought of leaving my wonderful, peaceful world here in south central Tennessee. But I have to keep my eyes on the prize. And the prize (currently) is my CPM and Florida License, which will allow me to become licensed anywhere in the USA that licenses midwives.

I have been worried a lot lately about my boys. My daughter has me to use as a role model for how to be a strong woman (at least, in my opinion I am a good role model). But my boys don't have a strong male role model in their life. I worry that they will grow up to be just like their father, and my father, and my uncle. It's not how I want them to be. I have somewhat become hyper focused on making sure that I do everything I can to show them how to be loving, compassionate, patient, slow tempered individuals who respect women. I wish that I had a male role model to offer them, but I do know that if we are closer to Jimmy, that he will be an amazing role model for my kids. At least until (*if*) I find the right man for my life.

I am opening a new blog. Those of you who are sneaky may have already noticed that there is a new blog on my list. It is not ready to be read yet, as I am still working on "building" it. However it will be called "Silence Us Not!" and will be a blog that is completely focused on activism of all kinds, everything that I support and try to be active in, with urgings for anybody to join me. I think it will be a neat blog, and as my fourth one to be opened..I think I can officially be called a blog addict!

Aw Bummer! and Day Seven in Sarasota

Well I was disappointed this morning when I woke up and discovered that Harmony was trying to reach me over night at the birth center because she had lost my cell phone number, and she had another woman in labor. So I missed the birth, but the confusion has been straightened out now and everyone has my cell phone number so I shouldn't miss any more. There are plenty of births happening around here this month, but it still would have put me one step closer to coming home, so I am a little disappointed that I missed it. I am home sick and 7 more births just seems like a *lot* to me, especially since I have all this down time just waiting. It probably wouldn't be as bad if I were in or nearer Orlando because there I have a *ton* of friends whom I'd love to be visiting with and such, however I am here in Sarasota and just not willing to go that far away with all of these births pending. Of course, I have my wonderful blog, facebook, and work on MTB Moodle to also help distract me.

So this is day seven in Sarasota, and my day is looking pretty uneventful. I will spend much of today working on MTB Moodle and trying to get that all finished, and then probably practicing my suturing. Might venture out to look for the Walmart, haven't decided yet. I do need to buy some more motor oil for my van before I head back up north, I just emptied my last 5qt container, and I try not to go without having some in the van for when I need it. I think I may also go through my NARM paperwork and see if there is anything left that Linda can sign off on for me, as I'm trying to make sure all my ducks are in a row.

I'd like to try to get home sooner rather than later, as I also have the Midwifery Today conference in April that I am going to, and I'd like to try to make sure I get to see my guy before then, and I'd like to love on my kids a bit before then too. It's hard to believe that by the time I get back home it will only be around 8 more weeks before they go stay with their dad. Time sure is flying in some ways, and dragging in other ways.

I got an update from Andrea, and our only "due" mom is doing good. She is due on March 13 so I will probably miss her birth, which is a bummer. But I traded one birth for 8, I think I got a pretty good deal LOL!

So, as it is, back to work on MTB, and I'll write more if my day becomes interesting!!

<3

Day Six in Sarasota!!

So, here I am at day six in Sarasota. Tonight was my son's pinewood derby race with cub scouts, and I obviously missed it (and he came in last place so he was sad and disappointed.). Today was a clinic day, though I spent most of it writing up some paperwork for Christina. I treated myself to subway for lunch, and then we got a call about a possible labor. We got there and it was a false alarm, but such is life as a midwife!

Went back to the clinic later and got to visit with Jodi, the birth assistant that has worked with Christina since even before I did. Jodi is pregnant with Mono-di identical twin boys!! How exciting for her!!

Now I am winding down and getting ready for bed. Talked to my kids and my former father in law, wishing my guy would call, and hoping some babies start coming!!

Oh yes, I also made a looong blog post on post partum infection, and added new "followers" to my blog. And I facebooked some...and lectured via email on the midwifetobe yahoo group LOL!! I do need to write in my journal, but its in the van, I will get to that tomorrow.

Oh, I am sure you will all find this funny, but I squatted down to get something out of my bag this morning and *split* my jeans right at the back pocket!! luckily I was in the bedroom Christina is letting me use, and alone, so embarrassment avoided, however, they were my *favorite* pair of jeans!!! Sigh.