The Ring!

We picked up the ring last night from the jeweler. We had to take it to be sized and so I haven't been able to actually wear it since the night Jereme proposed. Now I can't stop looking at it! I feel like a giddy teenager again LOL!

My summer, it seems, is going to become complicated. Hopefully it will work itself all out though. There are so many changes going on it my life, and other people's lives that directly effect me. I have a feeling it's going to be a challenging summer as a result of school + all the changes going on.

More to follow!

Dreams and other updates on Misty

I believe in dreams. I believe dreams are our mind's way of working through problems in our every day life. Working through our stresses. Finding solutions. Living vicariously through our own dreams. Letting the part of us that we suppress every day come out. Many times dreams are hard to understand. They are symbolic and archaic. They have hidden meanings that are hard to interpret. But sometimes those dreams are crystal clear.

Last night I had a powerful dream. A dream that I was a decade or more older, and working as a missionary in Africa. I was working with another midwife friend, Kelly. We had started traveling around Africa teaching the women how to be safe practitioners in the art of midwifery. Teaching the girls and women what herbs they can take, and how to harvest and keep them, in order to avoid pregnancy, treat pre-eclampsia, increase milk supply, ward off infection, and other useful things. Teaching them how to breastfeed and the importance of it. And, of course, delivering babies. Lots of them. During our missions in Africa we became experts at breeches, twins, and other variations from normal. It was an amazing and blissful dream. It is the whole of my goal in life.

I keep telling myself that I need to keep my eyes on the prize, as my friend Thomas says to me all the time. My life, and the successes (or failures) therein are my responsibility. I have to own it. And I want to love it. I have decided to look at it like my life has been filled with different challenges simply to prepare me for the awesome task ahead of me. Being a midwife is an awesome responsibility, and being a teacher to an entire nation of midwives is almost as big. I hope that I am up to it.

I don't remember if I blogged about this or not, but I completed my application to FSTM. I am just waiting now for my interview date to come through the wire. They have assured me that I *will* have an interview, so my application made it through the first step. I am not nervous or anxious about it, mostly I am just sad at the thought of leaving my wonderful, peaceful world here in south central Tennessee. But I have to keep my eyes on the prize. And the prize (currently) is my CPM and Florida License, which will allow me to become licensed anywhere in the USA that licenses midwives.

I have been worried a lot lately about my boys. My daughter has me to use as a role model for how to be a strong woman (at least, in my opinion I am a good role model). But my boys don't have a strong male role model in their life. I worry that they will grow up to be just like their father, and my father, and my uncle. It's not how I want them to be. I have somewhat become hyper focused on making sure that I do everything I can to show them how to be loving, compassionate, patient, slow tempered individuals who respect women. I wish that I had a male role model to offer them, but I do know that if we are closer to Jimmy, that he will be an amazing role model for my kids. At least until (*if*) I find the right man for my life.

I am opening a new blog. Those of you who are sneaky may have already noticed that there is a new blog on my list. It is not ready to be read yet, as I am still working on "building" it. However it will be called "Silence Us Not!" and will be a blog that is completely focused on activism of all kinds, everything that I support and try to be active in, with urgings for anybody to join me. I think it will be a neat blog, and as my fourth one to be opened..I think I can officially be called a blog addict!

What's Been up With Misty?!?!?!

Well, all in all, not much. I have been working on getting my life back together, and doing a decent job of it if I do say so myself. This is Easter week and so I have been busy with stuff for that too. I did all of the laundry yesterday and packed up all the winter coats and clothes. Spring is in the air, and so is spring cleaning.

I have sent in the rest of my paperwork for FSTM. Now what my life will look like in the fall really depends on whether or not I am accepted. It makes me both sad and happy. I love it here in south central Tennessee, and I will miss it so much if I go. I love that my kids can play down the road and I don't have to worry about them as much. I love how much land we have. Everything feels so cramped in Florida. The traffic is awful, crime is everywhere, and I feel claustrophobic when I am there.

I've made good friends while here in Tennessee and Alabama, and I will be sad to leave them too, if that is the way I am led. I guess now it is just a waiting game to see what happens.

Back Home

So I arrived back home late last night after a long drive through Florida, Georgia, Tennessee, Alabama, and back into Tennessee. I had been putting off coming home, because there was so much mess waiting for me here that I just did not feel emotionally equipped to deal with. Now I am home, and I still haven't dealt with the mess. The picture to the left is an example of how I feel right now. Beaten up by life. Exhausted. Stressed. Old. And ready to just give up on it all. That isn't like me, and I can't stay this way long. I will drive myself crazy this way.

I am sitting here after Palm/Passion Sunday Mass, at McDonald's with my kids. This is our normal Sunday routine, and I am glad to be getting back into routine, as that might help me start feeling human again. Palm Sunday Mass was, of course, beautiful. And I cried like a baby, as always. I can't even say a full rosary when it is on a day that mentions the flogging of Jesus. I end up crying my eyes out through the whole thing. I have always had a very immediate, uncontrollable, extremely emotional reaction to the happenings during the last week of Jesus' life. I don't know if there are many other Christians who have the same emotional response as I do, but it is quite severe in my opinion.

I openly admit that I am an emotional person. I cry at every birth (either during, or right after). I cry at weddings. I cry at Church. I cry watching movies. I cry when I'm angry (this crying annoys me the most out of any other response that I get).

I made the mistake, last year at a very emotional time in my life, of watching the movie "Passion of the Christ" (for the first time) after having one of the worst days in my life. Needless to say I spent hours glued to my television, unable to turn away from the horror that laid before me, shaking crying and vomiting, all while trying to keep my eyes dry enough to read the subtitles (as I do not speak aramaic!) I see myself watching "Passion of the Christ" every year come Easter time, but I cannot see myself having my children watch it until they are much older. I will probably fall back on the oldie but goodie "Jesus of Nazareth" for them this time of year. I used to watch this movie every year when I was a kid, despite the fact that I was not raised in a religious household, I was both fascinated with the story behind Jesus Christ, horrified by what the people did to him, and deeply moved to be a better person all year so as to deserve the amazing gift that he gave me. I guess you can say that even though I did not "find" God until much later, in high school while dating Andy, I was a spiritual person way before then.

Easter week is always such a busy week for us. Between Church and family and school stuff, I will barely have time to sleep (and I definitely shouldn't have time to think about him...)!! Oh, and now that I am back home I am back on call, and have one woman due any time!

So what are my goals as I work through the next few months? To find happy Misty again. I had her once, for a brief moment, and now I want her back! I lived so many years in an unhappy marriage with an indifferent Misty, and now that I have had a taste of happiness again, I won't settle for anything less! (and for those of you who are wondering..no, that is not a picture of me on the beach (though I would have LOOKED that happy had I made it to the beach this last trip to Florida!!)

I know I have many friends who are thinking about me, and praying for me, and I want you all to know that I really do appreciate it. My life is looking up, and everything will be ok. Just tough right now, but it will get easier. I am certain I will be updating soon with more changes to my life.

Until then!

Rediscover

I find myself on a path of rediscovery once again. When my life appears to crumble, my defense mechanism is usually to distance myself from the source of the pain, or the cause of the disaster, and then re-evaluate my life and decide where to go from here. I have never been one to sit back in misery and complain to everyone else that my life is so hard, or that my life stinks, and not do anything to change it. I am a proactive person. I am a Survivor and thus by nature I am driven to improve my life, to fight to make it the beautiful, wonderful life that I know I deserve.

I have been through so much in my life, both recently and my whole life. I don't want people to look at all I have endured and feel sorry for me. Instead I want them to look at all I've accomplished and be happy for me (or in awe of me as some seem to be).

So just remember this as you are given a glimpse into the life of Misty. If anything, let my persistence encourage you to strive for your hopes and dreams too, despite any potholes you hit along the way.

Besides, we have to cherish these potholes. They give us flat tires. Sometimes they damage our alignment or our tie rods. And then we have to slow down and wait for the repairs. And in the meantime we get to slow down or stop and enjoy the view, and maybe take the time to look around and wonder how we got there, and re-evaluate if we even *want* to be there. It gives us a chance to rediscover ourselves. The potholes really are a pain, but a gift all at once.