I'm in!! I'm in!!

Last week a received my acceptance to Florida School of Traditional Midwifery by email! I was so excited that I jumped up and down for joy and giggled like a schoolgirl. It only took a few seconds for me to stop, and think to myself, now what the hell do I do?!?!?!

Moving back to Florida is such a huge decision. Even though I know that it is the right decision for my midwifery career, it is hard for me to figure out what is the right decision for my chldren. Well, within the next week or so you will know what my decision is, I am planning to decide and announce it by this time next week!

The Massacre of the Worms

Have you ever wondered what possesses the worms to all wiggle out onto the sidewalk in the mornings before the sun is hot?

As a child I always had a possibly unhealthy fascination with the wet and wiggly things we call worms. I used to dig up handfuls of hard clay dirt in my grandparent's yard in hopes of catching at least one or two of the cool wiggly creatures. I'd look the earth worms over letting them slink around from one of my hands to the other. I would bemuse about how they eat dirt and poop dirt. I'd gross out other girls with them. I squealed with excitement if my grandfather mentioned going outside in the cool dark night armed with flash lights and emptied and washed mason jars in hopes of catching some nice and fat night crawlers for fishing with at shadow lake.

Walking around the block pushing an adorable 16 month old in a stroller and looking at all the dried and shriveled up earth worms on the side walk makes my heart weep a little. I weep for all the plants who could have benefited from the worms. I weep for the children who will never get to play with those already dead earth worms. It seems silly I know, but when watching news of the Gulf oil spill disaster on TV, or reading about it on the 'net or in newspapers, I am becoming more keenly aware of emotions I used to have as a child. The wonder of the amazing ecosystem. The importance that each thing plays in it, from the simplest amoeba to the most complex of animals. The way that the human race is single-handedly destroying this amazing system. The complete lack of respect many people have for the other living things on this planet. The total disconnectedness of humans as a whole.

It should not be all that surprising to many of you that I was quite a little environmentalist when I was a child. I collected styrofoam egg cartons in my closet as a way to protest their complete lack of biodegradableness in hopes that one day someone would start recycling them. Much to my parents happiness many years later they DID start offering a recycling service that took the evil styrofoam and I happily carted my 100+ egg cartons to the plant for recycling then. I did not eat meat for the sheer disgust at the way the animals were slaughtered. I did not believe in pulling "weeds" and would protest their killing until I turned blue in the face. I did not agree with using pesticides to get rid of unwanted things in our yard.

I spent *many* summers playing in the woods, squatting over moss covered ground, pretending I was in some prehistoric land, coming in only when the mosquitoes chased us in or our parents called us in. I spent more time in dirt covered jeans with holes in the knees than not. I loved the smell of the earth. The faint metallic smell, mixed with the smell of vegetation, mixed with the smell of sweaty little kids and the occasional smell of scat or animal urine. It's a primal smell. Even to this day if I work in the yard or something I am transported back to my childhood from the smells of the earth.

That smell, that primal smell of earth, is present at a birth too. Somehow the smell of blood and amniotic fluid and sweat and sometimes feces mix together and bring back those memories. And the strong desire overcomes me to be a midwife delivering babies in a red tent where we can give back our blood, and amniotic fluid, to the earth. Where our bare feet are still on dirt and ground; the dirt and ground that God made; instead of the wood or carpet floors that man made, another layer, another disconnect away from the earth. Away from where we're meant to be.

And all of these memories and thoughts occurred to me because of the Massacre of the Worms. The sidewalk is such a cruel place for a worm. It comes out when the sun isn't quite up and the ground is still damp with dew. It somehow wiggles itself onto the sidewalk and becomes lost. This does not feel like any dirt it's ever been in! It can't burrow into it, it can't find grass or plants on it, whatever does it do? It struggles to find a place to burrow and in the mean time the sun creeps higher and higher and the sidewalk gets hotter and hotter. I image the worm thinking, probably very quickly, man I am thirsty!! I need some nice wet dirt!! but all it finds is cruel, rough, hot, hard, sidewalk. And then it gives up it's struggle, and it dies. Right there. Right on the sidewalk.

So as I walk, pushing the adorable 16 month old in a stroller, I stop whenever I see a worm still inching it's way across the sidewalk. I pick it up with hints of the childhood fascination within me once again, and gently set it back in the grass. In this one small gesture I have managed to save one worm. That is one less worm to fall victim to the sidewalk. One less that dies because of human invention.

I pass many other worms who were not so fortunate. And I secretly weep for them, For they had a life full of purpose. They are tasked with the important job of helping to fertilize and aerate the soil. To help the plants grow. To be the food for birds and other small animals. But instead, all of these victims of the Massacre of the Worms end up having no more purpose to their life, nor to their death. They will not be eaten by small animals, for dried up worms are not appetizing at all! They will no longer be able to aerate soil or help fertilize the earth. Now they are just toast. And it's all because of human invention.

Eighteen More Days

In only eighteen more days I will have my children back from their summer with their father. I think we will spend the weekend at the beach and kelly park before leaving for Ohio. I am kinda excited to get out of Florida again for a while....I have been here too long and am antsy to leave. I don't know how it is that I will stand living here again to go to FSTM.......I guess we shall see.

In the mean time I am still looking for what is the right thing for me to do in the fall...I wish the answers were more clear to me.
Sent via BlackBerry by AT&T

Sweet Summer Songs and Whispers in the Wind

I told a friend and midwife mentor that I was going to use this time over the summer to pray, and focus, and decide where it is my future is taking me. I have been doing a lot of praying, and a lot of contemplating, and still have yet to come up with an answer to my questions. A once good friend told me that when making difficult decisions sometimes it is best to just throw all logic out the window and have faith in God's bigger plan for us. I used to have no problems following this advice - when it was just me. Now my decisions, however, are bigger than just me. The happiness and futures of three other amazing people have been trusted to me to help grow, and develop, and turn into amazing adults from the amazing children that they already are. When other people's fates are also in your hands, especially people whom you love with a primal, unexplainable completeness, decisions become harder to make. And, it seems, I find it harder to only trust in Faith alone.

The single hardest thing I have ever had to do since entering into this amazing role of "mother" is to make dcisions for my children. Even the most mundane seeming decision can turn into a stressful situation. I toil over what pediatrician/dentist/etc to use. I toil over how to raise them religiously. I toil over what school to put them in. I toil over whether to homeschool or not. I toil over how staying with their father would affect them. I toiled over how leaving their father would affect them. Vaccinations. Circumcision (or the lack of). Parenting styles. Cribs or no cribs. Disposable diapers or cloth? Wool or PUL? Work or Stay home? Finish a college degree or wait until they are grown? Follow my dreams? This becomes ever more trying as a single mother because now there is no more joint decision making. Now I am solely responsible. I am solely accountable for the raising of these little beings I call my children.

I realized while doing all of this praying and meditating this summer, that it is all like one sweet summer song. The life that I draw, that I create, that I write about. The life that I choose to make for my children. This is not the ideal life that I pictured myself and my children in 9 years ago when first starting my family. I believe that children need *two* parents. God chose to make it so that we cannot procreate without both sexes and both people are valuable in the upbringing. However, not everyone takes their commitment seriously, and I could no longer keep my marriage than a womb can keep a child past its time. After my marriage was over I was hurt and depressed and longing for something that once was. I denied to everyone, even to my self, that I ever loved my ex husband. I was so full of disgust for him at that point. But it isn't true. I did love him, very much. And he took advantage of me. And he lied to me. And now I am dealing with the consequences of his actions and inactions by raising three amazing children without him.

But I will not let it discourage me. And I will not get stuck in old patterns once again. I am a strong woman, with a strong desire to do what is right by my children, and so I believe that I will be given enough wisdom to know what is right and what is wrong for them. After all, they are my children, who were knit together in my womb. Whom I loved before they were even there. Whom I loved since my very beginnings. I no longer remember a time when I did not have love for them, when they were not a part of my life.

The wind whispered to me one day, and showed me a glimpse of my daughter years from now. Having married a man just like her father, and sitting alone one night, her own children in bed, crying silently by a fire. The vision weighed on my heart so heavily that I knew at that very moment I had to change things. For her. And for my boys, so they would not grow up to be men just like their father. And so we left.

Now I am left with another major decision. I have to decide how much I am willing to take away from my children, in order to give them a better life in the future. Am I willing to take away the beautiful house, the 1 acre of land, the horses next door, the peace of mind that allows me to have the children play in the neighborhood until the street light (there is only one!) comes on without worrying about strangers lifting them and taking them away? Am I willing to take away the small town, the life I've been working on building for them the last year, the friends they've made, the moderate climate, the occasional snow? Am I willing to move away from the one place I've longed to live for so long (a selfish question, I know)? Am I willing to bring them closer to their father, closer to the very influence I wanted to get them away from?

What are the good things we get in exchange you might ask? Three years from now (about) I would earn a license to practice midwifery in Florida. A climate for midwifery that will hopefully still be more positive than it is in Alabama. I would be able to earn more of a living in Florida than I ever could operating in Tennessee or Alabama (where it is still a class 3 misdemeanor). I could, perhaps, get the children and I out on our own. No longer have to rely on family for a roof over our head or water for our baths. That, ultimately, is my goal. Can I reach that goal successfully in Tennessee? Probably. If I gave up midwifery. Can I give up midwifery? No.

So, this is the decision that I must toil over this summer. And really, a decision can't be made at all until I hear back from FSTM one way or the other, which I have not yet. In the mean time, I will continue to listen to the whispers in the wind.

Having a Hard Time

I've been having a hard time with a few things the last few weeks. I'm worried about the three women left at the clinic whom I am/was bonded to and my thoughts are on them quite often I have found. I am hoping that they have the amazing, peaceful, beautiful births that they are so hoping for. I have been having a hard time "letting go" of my ties to the clinic, to the women who are there still, and to the love, time and energy that I put into helping build the clinic. There is a fundamental sense of betrayal that I have been dealing with.

I've found myself working through things in my life again, trying to determine how it is I always end up back in these destructive, abusive relationships. I have a very strong desire NOT to end up in a relationship like that again (both personally and professionally) and I am finding myself almost wanting to pull away from everyone and everything to avoid ending up once again in a damaging situation. I have, over the course of the last 2-3 months, activated every self-preservation and self-help mechanism that I know. I'm tired. I just want a break from it.

The children and I leave for Florida this Thursday. I have been busy cleaning and packing and trying to get everything prepared for me to be out of this house all summer. I am going to try to have a good summer. Relaxing. Taking care of myself. and having fun. Fun. I vaguely remember how to have fun. I think.

The. Worst. Flu. EVER!!!!!

Oh. My. God!! Saturday night I started getting chills, and a fever, then sweating and chills. By Sunday morning I was running a 104 fever I hurt all over, my head felt like it was going to explode and like it weighed a ton, and I was nauseous. By half way through the day I was puking as well. I only got off the couch to pee or puke (or both, tried to make it both to be economical). The rest of the time I slept. and slept. and slept. Ditto for Monday. By Tuesday I was feeling a little better (no fever), and I was home alone (my uncle left for Florida, and my mother never returned from Florida after going in March). My "new" friend Cindy drove me and Bobby up to his school so I could drop him off, and then dragged me off to her house so she could wait on me all day. She did a splendid job of it too! She took me to pick Bobby up from school that afternoon and took us back home, and by then I was running a fever again. Tuesday night I was miserable again, but never had a fever as high again (stayed around 101-102).

Today I woke up feeling "all right". Not Splendid by any means! but definitely better. No fever, no body aches, no vomiting or anything. Now I am thinking most of my symptoms (headache, swimming feeling when I get up, nausea, weak) are related to not eating in four days. Yup, that's right. FOUR DAYS of a clear liquid diet. Those of you who know me in person know I cannot afford to go four days without food!! yuck!! Now to get my strength back up, clean this disgusting mess from being sick (the house seemed to fall apart while I was sick) deal with a double whammy birthday party this weekend, and drive down to Florida next week! YAY! (or oh man I have to do all of THAT? where will I find the energy?!?!?!?!)

Action Alert!!! ILLINOIS PUSHERS!!

**ALERT** Illinois Pushers: Your help is needed TODAY! Vote could happen tonight, call even after hours, please! (click on the discussion tab for full details)

EVERYONE PLEASE CALL YOUR LEGISLATOR! Ask them to “vote YES for SB3712 which has been amended with the Home Birth Safety Act (HB226) language.”
www.igla.gov

New Friends, New Perspectives

It's always good to make new friends. I would say that over the course of the last two weeks, I have made more new friends than I ever could have dreamed. What I am learning is that I have had these friends without realizing it for the last nine months. They have been thinking about me, worrying about me, and trying to figure out when to make their presence known to me for quite a while now. Sometimes it is just nice to know that people - even practically complete strangers - care enough to think about you. Even though we have a common bond, it still is meaningful to me.

So now I have these new friends, whom I didn't even know that I have. And I have, as a result, begun to "put my toe in the water" in the Alabama birth community a bit more now than I have since I moved here. I'm deciding that I really rather like it here, despite it all, and that even if I leave for Florida to go to school, I will probably be back some day. After all, Alabama has been in my heart for a *long* time.

It is also good to know that I am not crazy. If someone thinks the whole world is crazy..chances are more likely that it is that single person and not the whole world. I have never really been in a situation where I was defamed and slandered on a professional level and I do have to say, it isn't fun! I will say, though, that I am not surprised that I have been. If there is one thing I know after being submerged in midwifery for so long, it is that some midwives can be really nasty, vindictive, and awful to other midwives. I have a theory that some women, no matter the organization, can be like this to each other.

Even though the person who is slandering me professionally believes (and doesn't hesitate to tell people!) that I will in return "lash out" against and slander her both privately and publicly, I absolutely will not. I am a better person than that, and have not a single reason to do so. Her true colors come out to people all on their own. Many people before me saw them, and many people after me will too. And some people who were there while I was there have already seen them. She doesn't need my help exposing them.

I will though, encourage each and every one of you when looking for a midwife to consider finding a practitioner who has written protocols; who has informed consent documents; who has a *proven* track record of happy clients within the local birthing community; who has a reasonable transfer rate; who can keep assistants, apprentices, students, and employees longer than 6-9 months; who runs a clean, healthy, successful business; Who uses sterile technique and has infection control protocols; who has another midwife there to back her up. Find out how many of her clients are *repeat* clients. If the number is low, there is probably good reason.

And, to my fellow students out there, learn from my mistakes. Put your "Toe in the water" as one of my new friends says, before jumping all in with a potential preceptor. Guard yourself, and make sure it is a situation you are sure you want to be in before you get into it. If you are afraid to ask questions or speak up, it is probably not a healthy preceptor/apprentice relationship. If you speak up anyway and get stomped all over it is *definitely* not a healthy preceptor/apprentice relationship. Make sure that your preceptor is competent enough to teach you before you rely on her. I know this might seem like a hard thing to figure out, but you will know. If your gut starts telling you something just isn't fitting right in the picture, listen to it. CONTACT HER FORMER APPRENTICES to find out what they thought, and how their relationship with her went. Don't just take her side of the story. MOST importantly, IMO, if you are moving into an area where you are *not* familiar with the local birthing community, submerge yourself in the local birth and natural parenting community FIRST and see what the feelings are as a whole of the particular midwife. If more people dislike vs. like her, you might not want to work with her. Remember, every midwife is going to have someone who doesn't like her, I am speaking more along the lines of *most* people not liking their experiences with her.

so anyway, there are my words of wisdom for the day. I hope someone learns from them.

Getting Ready

So the kids and I leave in only 19 days for Florida. I am spending the remainder of these days getting ready for the trip and packing in such a way that I can bring down the maximum amount of stuff possible during this trip. I hope to bring their bikes down now that all three are riding on two wheels, so that they can bike ride at their grandpa's house (he always ends up watching them for my ex-husband, often).

I have been anxiously awaiting my letter from FSTM. Though they did tell us that it could take as long as mid June to get a letter from them, I keep praying for more on the earlier than later side of things. I am on pins and needles and sort of in limbo until this decision is known to me, and I hate it when my life is left hanging like this, dependent on other people's decisions. I have instituted a plan B in case I am not accepted, but lets hope I don't have to go there.

Lisa from MTB asked me to come to South Carolina for the next skills weekend that she will be hostessing so that I can teach students there how to use moodle, and so that I can help Lisa learn moodle in preparation for turning it all over to her before I start FSTM. I am hoping to make it to the skills weekend, though I am currently seeking anyone who might want to car pool there with me to help me save on gas money. I am strapped for cash right now until my prerequisites for FSTM have been met.

In the mean time, I have just been cleaning and packing, and making new friends (what's that about? I am about to leave the area but yet keep making new friends as I go along!! I am beginning to see the sisterhood of midwives in Huntsville that I was carefully guarded from while I've been here...and I am deciding they are pretty amazing women.)

I am also faced with a difficult decision regarding my oldest son for next year if we move back to Florida. I realize he is way ahead of his classmates in Tennessee and that Florida public schools are even more behind than Tennessee public schools are. Soooooo....now I am faced with pushing to have him accelerated into 5th grade. I know that I could win my case about it, but I wonder if it is the right decision to make. Here in TN they wanted to accelerate him this year but I would not let them...however I am second guessing that decision now. I am going to buy him a Big Fourth Grade Book for the summer time and see how he does. If he flies through it, I will ask that they accelerate him, since he cannot attend Good Shepherd Catholic School until he's been in a Florida public school for a year.

Important Things to Consider When Choosing a Care Provider

so, you are pregnant! Congratulations! You either have already chosen, or are currently looking for a care provider for your pregnancy. Even if you have already chosen one, you should look through this list and ask your care provider the appropriate questions to be sure that you will receive high quality care with them.

PROTOCOLS

A competent care provider will have written protocols for everything from infection control to emergency transport protocols. These protocols should be in writing. Do not just take your provider's word for it, and don't just take verbal protocols. See them in writing. This is important.

INFORMED CONSENT

As can be found in the Midwives Model of Care brochure "Full information about any recommended tests, procedures or treatments so you can make informed choices about your care." Informed consent is an integral part of competent midwifery care. If your care provider is providing you with thorough, written or printed information on everything pregnancy, birth and post partum related, from the vitamin K shot, antibiotics, group B strep, to circumcision, breastfeeding, and everything in between and then asking you to sign consent (or decline) paperwork, than she is following the midwives model of care. If she has no paperwork, and only her advice by mouth, and nothing for you to sign, you might want to reconsider using her as a provider.

INFECTION CONTROL PROTOCOLS

INFECTION CONTROL INFECTION CONTROL INFECTION CONTROL!! This is so important I cannot stress it enough!! If your midwife tells you "birth isn't sterile" you might want to reconsider using her!! If she does not sterilize her instruments then your risk of developing potentially life threatening post partum infections is greatly increased!! If she does not use germicide and antiseptic cleaners on everything touched in the birth room after every birth, then you are potentially being exposed to any of the germs that the woman before you left there. There can still be infection where there isn't visible blood! Not sure if she is sterilizing her instruments? There are only a few known ways to sterilize. you can boil them (and use them *right* away..it doesn't count if you boil them days before) you can oven sterilize them (in which case they would be in oven safe packets that are usually wrapped in paper, maybe flannel packs, but certainly not something like a plastic pencil case or anything else that would melt in the oven. The instruments should go in wrapped, and come out wrapped, and not be opened until the moment they will be used) and there is the pressure cooker/autoclave method, which again they should go in wrapped and come out wrapped and not be opened until the moment they are used. IF the provider is not following infection control protocols including sterilizing her instruments, please consider finding a safer place and or provider to use for your birth.

GET INVOLVED

Get involved in your local birthing community before you have your baby. Hear all of the birth stories and recommendations of the local community around you. Take into account that *every* midwife is going to have at least a few people who were unhappy in their birth...no one is perfect! However, if the majority of the stories are telling you to steer clear, then by all means, steer clear! Find out what percentage of clients will (or have) been repeat clients. Try to talk with many of the provider's former clients to get a well rounded, balanced view of it.

HIRE A DOULA

If the provider is telling you not to hire a doula, or telling you you don't need one, I would highly question this. It may just be that the provider does not want to deal with having another witness, someone who is not emotionally vested in the situation as much as the family is, who may stand up to her if she tries using interventions that may not be necessary. Hire a doula, even if she tells you not to, in fact hire a doula ESPECIALLY if she tells you not to!!

NUMBERS

Find out her numbers. How many end in transport? Why are they transported? How many end up in C-Section? How many are induced (artificially or with herbal remedies, castor oil, etc?)? If she induces 2 out of 3 clients with herbal remedies, you might consider that she may be impatient and might "rush" your labor along. If she has a very large transport rate for first time moms, and you are a first time mom, you might want to consider finding another care provider. If she has a very high transport rate for "failure to progress" (as in, if 33% of her clients are transported for failure to progress....) then assume it really means failure to wait, and you might want to find a new provider. You know how they say the proof is in the pudding? Well I am saying the truth is in the numbers!!

I hope this has helped you while trying to choose a care provider. If you have any suggestions on other things to consider when choosing a care provider, please feel free to list them as comments here!!