Having a Hard Time

I've been having a hard time with a few things the last few weeks. I'm worried about the three women left at the clinic whom I am/was bonded to and my thoughts are on them quite often I have found. I am hoping that they have the amazing, peaceful, beautiful births that they are so hoping for. I have been having a hard time "letting go" of my ties to the clinic, to the women who are there still, and to the love, time and energy that I put into helping build the clinic. There is a fundamental sense of betrayal that I have been dealing with.

I've found myself working through things in my life again, trying to determine how it is I always end up back in these destructive, abusive relationships. I have a very strong desire NOT to end up in a relationship like that again (both personally and professionally) and I am finding myself almost wanting to pull away from everyone and everything to avoid ending up once again in a damaging situation. I have, over the course of the last 2-3 months, activated every self-preservation and self-help mechanism that I know. I'm tired. I just want a break from it.

The children and I leave for Florida this Thursday. I have been busy cleaning and packing and trying to get everything prepared for me to be out of this house all summer. I am going to try to have a good summer. Relaxing. Taking care of myself. and having fun. Fun. I vaguely remember how to have fun. I think.