The Home Stretch!!

I feel like there are so many things coming to culmination within the next year. I'm in the home stretch in so many things!

My wedding is only 6 months away! I can't believe it. In just six more months I will once again be a wife. What a huge life change this is.

I should graduate from midwifery school and finally have my Florida license in just 10 more months! I can't believe it. It's been such a long road, frustrating and lovely and frustrating and perfectly done just the way it was supposed to be.

My birthday just came around again, though I was still combating the flu, it still ended up being an alright birthday anyway. I have such an amazing family and my mom, brother, children and Jereme all celebrated with me and made sure it was a good birthday.

Clinic has been busy as always!! Gotta love my life!

Will update again soon!

One year ago

One year ago yesterday eHarmony.com matched me with a group of local men. Out of that group, I chose to only start communicating with two. Of the two, only one was interesting enough to continue to communicate with, and his name was Jereme. It has been one year since the start of our amazing whirlwind of a romance and I am still loving every minute of it. Jereme asked me a few days ago when it was that that feeling would wear off. Many of you know the feeling he spoke of, the feeling of not wanting to go to work (or whatever) because it involves leaving each other for a brief time. We just can't get enough of each other, still, and wonder if and when it will wear off. Some have suggested to Jereme it would wear off after the first year, we shall see. But I know from personal experience, when I am totally in love with someone, it never really wears off.

We've been talking a lot about midwifery, and the wedding, and school, and the honeymoon, and having more children. Wow how my life has changed in the last 18 months, it's barely even recognizable as mine. I am living such a blessed life, in a career that I love, with three amazing children and one of the most amazing men I have ever met.

I truly feel like I'm living a dream.

I'm in!! I'm in!!

Last week a received my acceptance to Florida School of Traditional Midwifery by email! I was so excited that I jumped up and down for joy and giggled like a schoolgirl. It only took a few seconds for me to stop, and think to myself, now what the hell do I do?!?!?!

Moving back to Florida is such a huge decision. Even though I know that it is the right decision for my midwifery career, it is hard for me to figure out what is the right decision for my chldren. Well, within the next week or so you will know what my decision is, I am planning to decide and announce it by this time next week!

Sweet Summer Songs and Whispers in the Wind

I told a friend and midwife mentor that I was going to use this time over the summer to pray, and focus, and decide where it is my future is taking me. I have been doing a lot of praying, and a lot of contemplating, and still have yet to come up with an answer to my questions. A once good friend told me that when making difficult decisions sometimes it is best to just throw all logic out the window and have faith in God's bigger plan for us. I used to have no problems following this advice - when it was just me. Now my decisions, however, are bigger than just me. The happiness and futures of three other amazing people have been trusted to me to help grow, and develop, and turn into amazing adults from the amazing children that they already are. When other people's fates are also in your hands, especially people whom you love with a primal, unexplainable completeness, decisions become harder to make. And, it seems, I find it harder to only trust in Faith alone.

The single hardest thing I have ever had to do since entering into this amazing role of "mother" is to make dcisions for my children. Even the most mundane seeming decision can turn into a stressful situation. I toil over what pediatrician/dentist/etc to use. I toil over how to raise them religiously. I toil over what school to put them in. I toil over whether to homeschool or not. I toil over how staying with their father would affect them. I toiled over how leaving their father would affect them. Vaccinations. Circumcision (or the lack of). Parenting styles. Cribs or no cribs. Disposable diapers or cloth? Wool or PUL? Work or Stay home? Finish a college degree or wait until they are grown? Follow my dreams? This becomes ever more trying as a single mother because now there is no more joint decision making. Now I am solely responsible. I am solely accountable for the raising of these little beings I call my children.

I realized while doing all of this praying and meditating this summer, that it is all like one sweet summer song. The life that I draw, that I create, that I write about. The life that I choose to make for my children. This is not the ideal life that I pictured myself and my children in 9 years ago when first starting my family. I believe that children need *two* parents. God chose to make it so that we cannot procreate without both sexes and both people are valuable in the upbringing. However, not everyone takes their commitment seriously, and I could no longer keep my marriage than a womb can keep a child past its time. After my marriage was over I was hurt and depressed and longing for something that once was. I denied to everyone, even to my self, that I ever loved my ex husband. I was so full of disgust for him at that point. But it isn't true. I did love him, very much. And he took advantage of me. And he lied to me. And now I am dealing with the consequences of his actions and inactions by raising three amazing children without him.

But I will not let it discourage me. And I will not get stuck in old patterns once again. I am a strong woman, with a strong desire to do what is right by my children, and so I believe that I will be given enough wisdom to know what is right and what is wrong for them. After all, they are my children, who were knit together in my womb. Whom I loved before they were even there. Whom I loved since my very beginnings. I no longer remember a time when I did not have love for them, when they were not a part of my life.

The wind whispered to me one day, and showed me a glimpse of my daughter years from now. Having married a man just like her father, and sitting alone one night, her own children in bed, crying silently by a fire. The vision weighed on my heart so heavily that I knew at that very moment I had to change things. For her. And for my boys, so they would not grow up to be men just like their father. And so we left.

Now I am left with another major decision. I have to decide how much I am willing to take away from my children, in order to give them a better life in the future. Am I willing to take away the beautiful house, the 1 acre of land, the horses next door, the peace of mind that allows me to have the children play in the neighborhood until the street light (there is only one!) comes on without worrying about strangers lifting them and taking them away? Am I willing to take away the small town, the life I've been working on building for them the last year, the friends they've made, the moderate climate, the occasional snow? Am I willing to move away from the one place I've longed to live for so long (a selfish question, I know)? Am I willing to bring them closer to their father, closer to the very influence I wanted to get them away from?

What are the good things we get in exchange you might ask? Three years from now (about) I would earn a license to practice midwifery in Florida. A climate for midwifery that will hopefully still be more positive than it is in Alabama. I would be able to earn more of a living in Florida than I ever could operating in Tennessee or Alabama (where it is still a class 3 misdemeanor). I could, perhaps, get the children and I out on our own. No longer have to rely on family for a roof over our head or water for our baths. That, ultimately, is my goal. Can I reach that goal successfully in Tennessee? Probably. If I gave up midwifery. Can I give up midwifery? No.

So, this is the decision that I must toil over this summer. And really, a decision can't be made at all until I hear back from FSTM one way or the other, which I have not yet. In the mean time, I will continue to listen to the whispers in the wind.

Having a Hard Time

I've been having a hard time with a few things the last few weeks. I'm worried about the three women left at the clinic whom I am/was bonded to and my thoughts are on them quite often I have found. I am hoping that they have the amazing, peaceful, beautiful births that they are so hoping for. I have been having a hard time "letting go" of my ties to the clinic, to the women who are there still, and to the love, time and energy that I put into helping build the clinic. There is a fundamental sense of betrayal that I have been dealing with.

I've found myself working through things in my life again, trying to determine how it is I always end up back in these destructive, abusive relationships. I have a very strong desire NOT to end up in a relationship like that again (both personally and professionally) and I am finding myself almost wanting to pull away from everyone and everything to avoid ending up once again in a damaging situation. I have, over the course of the last 2-3 months, activated every self-preservation and self-help mechanism that I know. I'm tired. I just want a break from it.

The children and I leave for Florida this Thursday. I have been busy cleaning and packing and trying to get everything prepared for me to be out of this house all summer. I am going to try to have a good summer. Relaxing. Taking care of myself. and having fun. Fun. I vaguely remember how to have fun. I think.

New Friends, New Perspectives

It's always good to make new friends. I would say that over the course of the last two weeks, I have made more new friends than I ever could have dreamed. What I am learning is that I have had these friends without realizing it for the last nine months. They have been thinking about me, worrying about me, and trying to figure out when to make their presence known to me for quite a while now. Sometimes it is just nice to know that people - even practically complete strangers - care enough to think about you. Even though we have a common bond, it still is meaningful to me.

So now I have these new friends, whom I didn't even know that I have. And I have, as a result, begun to "put my toe in the water" in the Alabama birth community a bit more now than I have since I moved here. I'm deciding that I really rather like it here, despite it all, and that even if I leave for Florida to go to school, I will probably be back some day. After all, Alabama has been in my heart for a *long* time.

It is also good to know that I am not crazy. If someone thinks the whole world is crazy..chances are more likely that it is that single person and not the whole world. I have never really been in a situation where I was defamed and slandered on a professional level and I do have to say, it isn't fun! I will say, though, that I am not surprised that I have been. If there is one thing I know after being submerged in midwifery for so long, it is that some midwives can be really nasty, vindictive, and awful to other midwives. I have a theory that some women, no matter the organization, can be like this to each other.

Even though the person who is slandering me professionally believes (and doesn't hesitate to tell people!) that I will in return "lash out" against and slander her both privately and publicly, I absolutely will not. I am a better person than that, and have not a single reason to do so. Her true colors come out to people all on their own. Many people before me saw them, and many people after me will too. And some people who were there while I was there have already seen them. She doesn't need my help exposing them.

I will though, encourage each and every one of you when looking for a midwife to consider finding a practitioner who has written protocols; who has informed consent documents; who has a *proven* track record of happy clients within the local birthing community; who has a reasonable transfer rate; who can keep assistants, apprentices, students, and employees longer than 6-9 months; who runs a clean, healthy, successful business; Who uses sterile technique and has infection control protocols; who has another midwife there to back her up. Find out how many of her clients are *repeat* clients. If the number is low, there is probably good reason.

And, to my fellow students out there, learn from my mistakes. Put your "Toe in the water" as one of my new friends says, before jumping all in with a potential preceptor. Guard yourself, and make sure it is a situation you are sure you want to be in before you get into it. If you are afraid to ask questions or speak up, it is probably not a healthy preceptor/apprentice relationship. If you speak up anyway and get stomped all over it is *definitely* not a healthy preceptor/apprentice relationship. Make sure that your preceptor is competent enough to teach you before you rely on her. I know this might seem like a hard thing to figure out, but you will know. If your gut starts telling you something just isn't fitting right in the picture, listen to it. CONTACT HER FORMER APPRENTICES to find out what they thought, and how their relationship with her went. Don't just take her side of the story. MOST importantly, IMO, if you are moving into an area where you are *not* familiar with the local birthing community, submerge yourself in the local birth and natural parenting community FIRST and see what the feelings are as a whole of the particular midwife. If more people dislike vs. like her, you might not want to work with her. Remember, every midwife is going to have someone who doesn't like her, I am speaking more along the lines of *most* people not liking their experiences with her.

so anyway, there are my words of wisdom for the day. I hope someone learns from them.

Important Things to Consider When Choosing a Care Provider

so, you are pregnant! Congratulations! You either have already chosen, or are currently looking for a care provider for your pregnancy. Even if you have already chosen one, you should look through this list and ask your care provider the appropriate questions to be sure that you will receive high quality care with them.

PROTOCOLS

A competent care provider will have written protocols for everything from infection control to emergency transport protocols. These protocols should be in writing. Do not just take your provider's word for it, and don't just take verbal protocols. See them in writing. This is important.

INFORMED CONSENT

As can be found in the Midwives Model of Care brochure "Full information about any recommended tests, procedures or treatments so you can make informed choices about your care." Informed consent is an integral part of competent midwifery care. If your care provider is providing you with thorough, written or printed information on everything pregnancy, birth and post partum related, from the vitamin K shot, antibiotics, group B strep, to circumcision, breastfeeding, and everything in between and then asking you to sign consent (or decline) paperwork, than she is following the midwives model of care. If she has no paperwork, and only her advice by mouth, and nothing for you to sign, you might want to reconsider using her as a provider.

INFECTION CONTROL PROTOCOLS

INFECTION CONTROL INFECTION CONTROL INFECTION CONTROL!! This is so important I cannot stress it enough!! If your midwife tells you "birth isn't sterile" you might want to reconsider using her!! If she does not sterilize her instruments then your risk of developing potentially life threatening post partum infections is greatly increased!! If she does not use germicide and antiseptic cleaners on everything touched in the birth room after every birth, then you are potentially being exposed to any of the germs that the woman before you left there. There can still be infection where there isn't visible blood! Not sure if she is sterilizing her instruments? There are only a few known ways to sterilize. you can boil them (and use them *right* away..it doesn't count if you boil them days before) you can oven sterilize them (in which case they would be in oven safe packets that are usually wrapped in paper, maybe flannel packs, but certainly not something like a plastic pencil case or anything else that would melt in the oven. The instruments should go in wrapped, and come out wrapped, and not be opened until the moment they will be used) and there is the pressure cooker/autoclave method, which again they should go in wrapped and come out wrapped and not be opened until the moment they are used. IF the provider is not following infection control protocols including sterilizing her instruments, please consider finding a safer place and or provider to use for your birth.

GET INVOLVED

Get involved in your local birthing community before you have your baby. Hear all of the birth stories and recommendations of the local community around you. Take into account that *every* midwife is going to have at least a few people who were unhappy in their birth...no one is perfect! However, if the majority of the stories are telling you to steer clear, then by all means, steer clear! Find out what percentage of clients will (or have) been repeat clients. Try to talk with many of the provider's former clients to get a well rounded, balanced view of it.

HIRE A DOULA

If the provider is telling you not to hire a doula, or telling you you don't need one, I would highly question this. It may just be that the provider does not want to deal with having another witness, someone who is not emotionally vested in the situation as much as the family is, who may stand up to her if she tries using interventions that may not be necessary. Hire a doula, even if she tells you not to, in fact hire a doula ESPECIALLY if she tells you not to!!

NUMBERS

Find out her numbers. How many end in transport? Why are they transported? How many end up in C-Section? How many are induced (artificially or with herbal remedies, castor oil, etc?)? If she induces 2 out of 3 clients with herbal remedies, you might consider that she may be impatient and might "rush" your labor along. If she has a very large transport rate for first time moms, and you are a first time mom, you might want to consider finding another care provider. If she has a very high transport rate for "failure to progress" (as in, if 33% of her clients are transported for failure to progress....) then assume it really means failure to wait, and you might want to find a new provider. You know how they say the proof is in the pudding? Well I am saying the truth is in the numbers!!

I hope this has helped you while trying to choose a care provider. If you have any suggestions on other things to consider when choosing a care provider, please feel free to list them as comments here!!

Obstetricians Vs. Midwife?

So I had a friend ask me today if I thought midwives were better than obstetricians. I replied with the following long winded answer:

obstetricians are absolutely needed in a few pregnancies and births and I am thankful they are available. However they are specialists and surgeons and best used in that way
It is like sending everyone with a headache to a neurologist. A neurologist is absolutely needed in a few cases, however, sending them to a family practice doctor first to weed out the other causes for the headache first makes sense. Midwives should be the first providers for a pregnancy and if the pregnancy falls outside of the realm of normal, then the midwife would refer them to an OB and if it is outside the scope of an OB, they would send them to a perinatologist. it's' the way medicine works, when it works right at least.

I do not believe that either profession is better than the other, just that one profession is being overused in a situation that is not appropriate for it (normal pregnancy, labor and delivery). As Dr. House said if you put a patient with fainting spells in front of a panel of specialists the neurologist will see a brain tumor, the allergist will see a food allergy, the endocrinologist will see a thyroid issue, the gastroenterologist will see celiac's disease, and the cardiac specialist will see blood pressure issues. But if you send that same person to a Family practice doctor then s/he will discover the patient simply isn't sleeping enough at night!! Each of those specialists would have ordered an barrage of tests that were not at all needed, and those tests would have shown a few questionable results that would have lead to more tests and possibly extremely invasive procedures such as surgeries! Or at least, something like that, you get the idea (not sure how Dr. House put it LOL! I was probably too busy drooling over Hugh Laurie to notice exactly what he said..... :P~). Midwives are the guardians of normal, and should be used as such. Obstetricians are surgeons, and should also be used as such.

So there is my take on the obstetrician vs. midwife question!

A Bustling Season at the Clinic!

This has surely been a bustling season at the clinic! We have had a few false alarms with our Christmas baby, but she has not arrived yet. We are being happily patient for her perfect birthday to arrive, as always leaving it in God's hands! I will, of course, update you when our Christmas baby arrives.

In the mean time, my children are in Florida with their father, and I am spending my Christmas season alone, but not. If I could have chosen company for a Christmas without my children I could not have made a better choice! I am away from *any* and all of my blood borne family this holiday season, but am celebrating with Linda and her family, who have welcomed me as if I was born into the family during this season. I also have my Church parish family, and will probably see my guy at some point during this week as well. I have secretly been dreading Christmas day for months now, and have had a bit of hidden depression over it. I have never been away from family during Christmas, and much of my family is very close knit. I was not looking forward to it. But, between all the excitement with the impending birth, and Linda and her family, Andrea, and my guy, it's not as bad as I thought it would be. My Christmas has been blessed.

I have taken a break from setting up the MTB moodle program, as it was beginning to consume my every waking moment. I was stressing about it and decided I needed a break from it. I wll get back on it after the first of the year.

I have also been busy organizing the next Basic Midwifery Skills workshop here at the clinic. We will once again welcome students from all over the USA to learn basic skills in a two day workshop at the end of January. I am excited about this, as I love the sense of sisterhood that we foster, as well as loving passing on the knowledge I have thus far attained.

Merry Christmas Eve everyone, and have a blessed Christmas Day!